I want to write about something serious for a change.  I have struggled with a personal problem for several years and I think it is time to bring it out in the open. 

I hesitate doing it. I hope that it doesn't impact my career. My problem has gotten worse in the last few years.  I thought that it might get better as I've gotten older, but sadly, that has not occurred. Maybe I shouldn't reveal this. I don't want to embarrass my family. But, I would feel so much better if I got it off my chest.  At least I think I would feel better. 

OK.  Here goes:

I have this "thing" about my hair. Outside of my family and my hairdresser, nobody really knows about it. How do I say this...?  It happens to me with very little forewarning, but sometimes, I am obsessed with cutting my hair. 

There. I said it. I'm a hair-obsessor. 

Some days I wake up and become horrified when I see my hair in the mirror.  It's like my hair has grown an inch during my sleep and all of a sudden, IT HAS TO BE CUT! 

Doesn't really matter who cuts it either.  I'm like a crack addict looking for a "fix." I'll let practically anyone cut my hair, even a place like Fantastic Sam's. 

If one of these attacks happens during the week, no problem. If it occurs anytime after 5 PM on Saturday, LOOK OUT!  I remember one time it hit me on a Sunday and I figured that no hairdressers were open. My mind was racing, trying to figure out what to do. 

Eureka!  I remembered that we had electric clippers. My wife bought the clippers to shave the miniature horses with, but they were the wrong size (the clippers, not the horses).  I had a problem though. No barber. The only other person in the house was my (then) 12 year-old son.  I asked him to cut my hair and at first, he refused. After thinking about it for a moment, and with an evil glint in his eye, he accepted the challenge. 

I was a little wary. He is a pretty conscientious kid, but ... a kid. I really wanted an adult to do it.  

Anyway, he did pretty well.  He would cut one side and then the other. But, it seemed that no matter what he did, one side was always just a "hair" (no pun intended) longer than the other.  He kept trimming, going back and forth, back and forth.  Finally, Ryan told me he just couldn't do it anymore.  "It's pretty short, Daddy," he said.  As I studied my hair in the mirror, he looked like he was going to bolt. "Don't worry about it," I replied. "It'll (that's a southern contraction by the way) grow back."  

It did, but it took about three months. 

I  once cut my own hair. (Actually twice) It was a Saturday afternoon. Late.  Not a barbershop in town was open.  I was at home.  Alone.  Just me and a vacuum and a mustache groomer.  Those "Flowbees" I had laughed at on the infomercials suddenly didn't seem so corny.  Cut a little, vacuum a little, cut a little more, vacuum a little more.  "This is great, " I thought.  "I'm saving money, I'm not making a mess, and my hair looks pretty damn good." 

The next day I went to the gym to play racquetball.  As I was entering the court, one of my playing partners, the normally meek and mild-mannered Bob Garrett said--"Did you cut your own hair?" 

"Why would you think something like that?" I said. 

"That doesn't look like a haircut you would pay for." 

"I might have trimmed it a little," I lied. 

"Well, it looks terrible." 

And I thought I had done such a good job.  Luckily, my normal hairdresser is also a personal friend. I called her that Sunday afternoon.  

"Hey JoAnn.  What are you up to today?" 

Long pause. 

"Johnny. Did you cut your own hair again?" 

"Yes," I admitted. 

After a long sigh, she said "I'll meet you at the shop in thirty minutes." 

Thanks JoAnn.  

I feel better. A little confession is good for the soul.  Its been a while though since my hair was cut.  As a matter of fact, I think I can feel it on my ears. It's really bothering me.  I need a mirror.  Oh my gosh! Its Sunday! 

Where did I put those horse clippers? 

Until next week. 

Johnny Houston is a personal injury and criminal defense attorney with the law firm of Houston and Warren.  Questions?  Comments? E-mail your questions and comments to LawtalkTN@aol.com.

© Johnny Houston 2001