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The Trim by Elroy


Her hair was the deepest of chestnuts
Straight, with no sign of a curl
Never permed, never dyed
A great source of pride
Since she was an eight-year-old girl

But taking a look in the mirror
She thought that she needed a trim
That lengthy brown hair
Showed signs of wear
So she booked a visit with Tim

She said Timmy, my hair s dry and lifeless
It looks like the ends are all split
It s all of a frizz
And I m all of a tizz
Cause I don t like haircuts one bit

Then she came over all moody
As deep down, she wanted a change
Said I need a new do
so Tim, over to you-
See what you can arrange

The thing was she just felt so dowdy
She said she was stuck in a rut
Said maybe her style
was too juvenile
maybe she did need it cut

He said I might add a few layers
To give it some movement and verve
Nothing too drastic
And you ll look fantastic
Do you think you ve got the nerve?

She said Alright, add your layers
But make sure they re all very long
Cause if there s any doubt
I will want them grown out
mighty quick, if it all goes all wrong

But as he cut in some layers
somewhere down there, near her belt
Her erogenous zone
made her make a small groan
with a feeling she d not before felt

So when she looked on Tim s labors
She slightly just wrinkled her nose
And said here s the thing
it looks rather like string
Could you even it up, d you s pose?

He said Well, you could lose a few inches
To the small of your back from your waist
I know it looks lush
but there s too much to brush
Though of course, it s a matter of taste

He said look, it won t be problem
it s a perfectly straight-forward lop
you know the drill
stand perfectly still
while I give six inches the chop

She stood just as still as a statue
And Timmy then started to snip
As it fell pass her bum
she was quite overcome
and anxiously nibbled her lip

She suddenly felt all tingly
nervous, excited and scared
She had a hot flush
and started to blush
And squirm with joy as she dared

Timmy to go bit a further
Cut to the top of my back
So a straight line was made
between each shoulder blade
That Tim was instructed to hack

Tim turned and said to our girly
Best then you put on a gown
To keep going this way
Will take us all day
I think we both need to sit down

And so pretty soon they were seated
And she sipped on a flinty dry white
As a whole foot of hair
Dropped onto her chair
And made her fair squeal with delight

Tim s attention to detail was perfect
The line was as straight as a die
Not too long, not to short
But by now she had thought
Of a new length she wanted to try

A teeny bit shorter behind me
A little bit longer in front
Make the forward part dangle
At a bit of an angle
And make sure the ends are cut blunt

So Timmy, he made the adjustments
Making sure all was just so
He had to take take care
Of such precious hair
He knew how far he could go

But then she turned round and surprised him
by making another request
Saying That s a good job
but how bout a bob?
A change is as good as a rest

Let s take it up by three inches
So it grazes the top of my shoulder
I don t want it so wild
I m no longer a child
It should me you now that I m older

And so Timmy picked up his weapons
And trimmed off all the excesses
That follicle scholar
Made the base of her collar
the length of her truncated tresses

She gazed upon her reflection
As the locks tumbled down on the cape
She said What the heck
Take it right up my neck
And taper the fuzz on my nape

Although they were getting excited
Tim caused her to have small twinge
Saying You look one-eyed
With that part on the side
I m going to cut you a fringe

A dead-center part was inserted
With a bob that swung down to her lips
She said I never thought
I d have hair so short-
This morning it hung to my hips

But now I look like a film star
who is more than one hundred years old
Louise Brooks was great
But her look s out of date
Let s make a statement that s bold

Tim reinstates her side-parting
and cradles his Wahl as it glides
over her ears
and brutally shears
her hair in a short-back-and -sides

She giggled with passionate pleasure
As she felt for the hair that was gone
She was on fire
With carnal desire
This haircut was turnin her on

She examined her new incarnation
And said well to tell you the truth
I don t mean to joke
But I look like a bloke
Like a fifteen-year-old Hitler Youth

She said I think that fringe is too heavy
It looks like some kind of a rat
I think that we might
Go high and tight
With a top that is completely flat

Timmy then started to argue
I ve got something real cutting-edge
A real de-construction
Of form over over function
I thought of while pruning my hedge

And so Timmy snipped like a wild man
Sod what his customer likes
She doesn t know
what s best for her, so
He ll show her a head full of spikes

When she saw it she started in horror
I look like some sort of punk
It appears that your trusty
scissors were rusty
And you were both blindfold and drunk

The back has more length than the front bit
And the front bit resembles a mop
I beg you to try
A neat tight and high
A military issue flat-top

So Timmy took up his clippers
And she squirmed with an e-rotic dread
As the Number one guard
pushed ever so hard
right up the back of her head

Timmy had all the gizmos
He got out his flat-topping comb
And proceeded to snip
A flush landing strip
Traversing the width of her dome

Again she peered at each aspect
where long brunette locks used to flow
I look like a chick
wearing a brick
Like you ve leveled my head with a hoe

She said as she glanced at all angles
Where her once-crowning glory had been
With hair that s this silly
I could sing Rock-a-billy
Or go and become a Marine

I don t know if this kind of coiffure
Is really all that appealing
I don t look like a fox
I look like a box
My head now sits flush with the ceiling

But she was aroused by her bravery
Made sensual conquering fear
And her hair was so thin
She could see skin
And that gave her another idea

I don t really feel very retro
Or like I m waiting for war
And it might sap my strength
But lets go to one length
Kind of like it was before

So Timmy then told her most clearly
Of the only way that could be done
And that was to rip a
great swathe with his clipper
But her hair? There would be next to none

But she had had become so lightheaded
She didn t know when to stop
She called for dismissal
For what was not bristle
A full-throttle, number nought crop

But Timmy by no means was finished
There was something else to try instead
So still having fun
with guard number one
He mowed to the fore of her head

But stopped on the brink of the hair line
And left just the merest of bangs
And what should appear
From the front of each ear
But a tendril that just sort of hangs

Now that is what we call a Chelsea
The fringe adds a feminine touch
And those lengthy side-locks
Though they look orthodox
Frame your face, although not very much

But our lady-friend was not happy
She said This is well under par
She said Cor blimey!
I look like a Limey!
A skinhead chick dancing to Ska!

It just sort of looks like you missed some
Or like I did it myself
Those tendrils aren t ace
They don t frame my face
I look like a big angry elf

Now please would you do what I asked for
make the length of each hair just the same
I don t mean to whinge
But that whisp of a fringe
And those sidies do look sort of lame

He took all the guards off his clippers
And carried right on with his cull
He started to plow
From the top of her brow
To the base of her near-naked skull

Off the the curtain of whimsy
Off came the bits at the side
With the floor full of rubble
And a head full of stubble
She sat in the chair mortified

And said Maybe you didn t hear me
Or maybe I didn t explain
I thought I d look most
Like the girl out of Ghost
But instead I look like G.I. Jane

She looked very hard at each angle
Where her hair was now looked vaguely grey
Her scalp was as white
As a rescuing knight
And she kind of liked it that way

It s a tad shorter than I expected
So you just might as well take it all
I ve been this brave
So how bout a shave
As bald as a billiard ball

And so Timmy broke out the razor
And lathered her scone up with foam
And after a scrape
left a mess on her cape
It revealed a completely smooth dome

She said Look at me, I m a baldy
Denuded due north of my neck
I look like I am
The King of Siam
I could get me a gig on Star Trek

I ll save so much money on shampoo
And spare myself blood sweat and toil
All I need for my dome
To sparkle like chrome
Is a bottle of cheap baby oil

I ve tried every product from hairspray
to the dried milk of Nepalese yaks
Now I have in my bag
Just a polishing rag
And a big can of furniture wax

So goodbye to all my old hairclips
My barrettes can just gather dust
My ribbons and bows
Must wait till it grows
Back through my clean-shaven crust

She gazed straight ahead in a stupor
And felt what she d not felt before
A head now stripped bare
of her lustrous hair
Which now lay unloved on the floor



But she said she felt so liberated
She said I feel totally free
From under the yolk
Of that big hairy cloak
Comes a brand-new and cleanly scalped me

She said Well, I guess that we re finished
We ve gone as far as we can go
from here on in
It s just bone and skin
And then my brain will start to show

She thanked her friend Timmy profusely
She was tingly outside and in
Said I must phone my ex
Cause I need some sex
Let s see if he fancies some skin

She brushed herself free of her tresses
Said The back of my neck s got a chill
My cold ears mean that
I must buy a hat
And asked Timmy, please, for the bill

It was only when she saw his invoice
That she really began to feel faint
She was suddenly fraught
At the sight of each nought
And said This is not a complaint

But merely just shaving my hair off
Really don t take that much skill
If left up to me
I d have done it for free
But Tim said you d have missed all the thrill

Of having me slowly revealing
All of the people you are
We tried every look
There is in the book
From Cousin It to Yul Bynn-ar

Every haircut costs money
And we have been right round the block
You ve gone from hirsute
To as bald as a coot
And I charge by the tick of the clock

She said Yes I know I was shaggy,
And you gave me a bit of a bob
But shaving the rest
took you seconds at best
Yet you feel you re entitled to rob

He said I am bloody exhausted
I ve worked all day on your head
And now that you re shorn
I feel fairly worn
I m going straight home to bed

Not only did you get a haircut
Not only were you de-mopped
You were chopped, you were topped
Hair was lopped, hair was dropped
You were cropped, you were stropped, then we stopped

Think what you got for your money
You got to get over your fears
To luxuriate
In your bright shiny pate
And a haircut that lasts twenty years




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