Everything's Jake by Deke Cutter (recovered)
By Deke Cutter
Jake knew he was clever, smarter than most people. He knew how far to go, without getting caught. He liked to think of himself as a player. He`d hit the casinos whenever he could. He had his bosses pretty well snowed. They though he was a loyal worker. His wife Sherry, thought he was a faithful husband. One of his favorite scams was to pad his expense account when he went travelling for work and then pocket the extra money. He`d use it when he went gambling. He loved to picture himself at the craps tables or the roulette wheel. His long mane of thick blonde hair falling perfectly to his shoulders framing his strong masculine features, a hot looking girl at his side. He`d go back to the office the next week, and pass through the thicket of cubicles, deigning to give "the peasants" a few moments of his presence. Then, he`d stop by Mary Lou`s cubicle and drop off his travel expense report, say something, just this side of rude, never wait for her to respond and head back to his big cushy office. What Jake hadn`t figured out was the Mary Lou was pals with Jake`s secretary Robin. Robin often fielded calls from Jake`s wife Suzy. Suzy, in turn, when she wasn`t working a big case (she was a successful lawyer) often played golf with Diane, the VP in charge of Jake`s Division. A perfect storm was brewing and Jake didn`t even know it.
Mary Lou started the ball rolling when she did an audit on a couple of Jake`s travel forms and figured out his scam. She took this info to Diane who gave her permission to do a full review of Jake`s expenses. Robin, meanwhile, started putting the dots together. She noticed that Jake`s next trip would take him to that big Indian casino in Connecticut. He seemed to head up there alot more than the small amount of business he had up there really required. She mentioned this to Diane`s secretary, Dave who told Diane. This led to Diane arranging for Jake to be watched while he was in CT. The photos taken were shared with Suzy. A summit resulted. Diane and Suzy put their heads together and came up with a plan that would clip Jake`s wings, teach him a lesson, and make him think twice about ever cheating anybody again.
The following Wednesday at noon, Jake headed out for his regular salon appointment to have his hair shaped and trimmed. He got his facial and a massage at the same time. When he arrived, he was a bit annoyed to find out that Jackie, his regular stylist, had been called away. He was told, however, that Jackie had arranged for a replacement, Bruno, who she trusted completely (its amazing what $500.00 will buy from a struggling stylist). This did not sit well with Jake at all because he liked having the gorgeous young Jackie do his hair and occasionally bump up against him. She smelled so fine too and she`d wear those low cut tops that would sometimes give him the slightest glimpse of the treasures just beyond his reach. But, he was heading down to Atlantic City after his next trip to Philly and wanted to look good. So, he agreed to Bruno`s ministrations. It hadn`t been easy for Diane and Suzy to find Bruno. He was a fully trained stylist who was also a master barber. Once they found him, though, and they explained what they had planned, he had been eager to participate, once he was assured by lawyer Suzy that he would have no liability.
Jake was ushered in to his usual station and Bruno greeted him warmly. Bruno was a real pro. He had a shampoo assistant lull Jake into a false sense of security. He then deftly trimmed and shaped Jake`s hair. Jake was feeling very relaxed and quite impressed with this beefy tough-looking stylist. So, when Bruno told Jake he wanted to "just clean up his neck a little bit, Jake agreed. What happened next happened so quickly that Jake didn`t quite believe it was real. Jake was turned away from the mirror and Bruno pulled out a pair of Oster clippers with a Number 2 guard on them. He touched them gently to Jake`s neck, once, twice, and then...on the third touch, pushed them high up into Jake`s hair, almost to the top of his head. "What the f... screamed Jake." With that, Suzy came round the corner, surveyed the damage and said "well Bruno, you`d better finish what you started. With that, Bruno went to work, clearing away more of Jake`s pride and joy. Jake attempted to get up from the chair, but Bruno had him in a tight grip. Suzy told him to stay seated and held up several 8 by 10 photos of Jake`s recent escapades with scantily clad denizens of the casinos. She said, "you will sit and you will take this like a man." Not a word out of your mouth or I swear things will get even worse than you can imagine. By this time, Bruno had cleared the back of Jake`s head and was moving around to the sides. 18 inches of hair fell onto the cape and floor. When his right ear was exposed, it was really exposed. It was big and it stuck out at a surprising angle from his head. The left side soon was matching. This left only the long hair on top of his head. Bruno stopped and switched the guard to a No. 3 and continued his work, leaving only about an inch in the front hanging down in forlorn bangs. Soon, he turned to the bangs and clipped them off, a few inches at a time until just a small inch and half fringe remained. Bruno quickly applied some wax to these, so that they stood to attention. He then applied shaving cream around the ears and neck and cleaned Jake up. Next, he swung him around to face the mirror. Suzy and Bruno both laughed as Jake was confronted by his new image. Gone was the stud. In its place was a rather silly looking man with huge ears on the sides of a very round head. A prominent nose stuck out in the front, giving him sort of a beak. The tight crewcut made him look rather like a geek. Jake sputtered and cleared his throat, but could think of nothing to say. Suzy said, "thanks Bruno, don`t forget to give Jake your card, he`ll be a regular at your barber shop from now on, if he doesn`t end up in jail."
Suzy practically frog marched Jake back to his office. He begged her to let him get a hat or go in the back way, but this was all carefully choreographed in advance. Jake was marched in and made to walk through cubicle land where catcalls and comments came out of various cubicles along the way. By the time they reached Diane`s office, Jake was red with embarrassment and almost in tears. When they arrived, Diane, MaryLou, and Robin were all there. Diane explained to Jake that thanks to Mary Lou and Robin, the full extent of his thieving had been chronicled. Normally, this would have been enough to fire him and get him arrested, but this wouldn`t serve anybody well in the current environment. So, he was being offered a chance to avoid a trial and almost certain conviction. Was he willing to accept the alternative. Jackie explained that a negative answer would also mean an immediate end to their marriage rather than the trial separation he had coming. Jake was like a cornered rat, but there was no way for him to lash out. Finally, you could almost see him physically deflate and he agreed. "Jake, you owe us $93,000, Diane explained. You are going to work it off." Jake said "OK, Diane, you won`t regret this, I`ll head back to my office and get st..." "Hold on there, buster," said Diane. You will be reporting to Mary Lou who is being promoted because of her excellent forensic auditing skills. You will be a travel voucher analyst" At the much lower salary, you will be making, it will take you about 4 years to pay off your debt to the company." Suzy, I believe you had something to add. "Oh yes, you are not coming home for the next year. You will be regularly tested for STDs. Do you realize what danger you put both of us in by your irresponsible sexual behavior? I have rented you a suitable efficiency apartment and bought you some appropriate clothes off the rack from Sears. You`d better hold on to Bruno`s card because he`ll be making sure you keep your new hairstyle neat and fresh once a month, indefinitely!"
Diane then said, "MaryLou, please escort Jake to his new cubicle. Jake was paraded by through the cubicles to a tiny cubicle with a huge stack of vouchers sitting on the work surface. "Better get to work skinhead," MaryLou said as she walked away. Each month, thereafter, a sad and diminished Jake would dread that Wednesday when he would arrive and hear "bzzzzz" coming from the surrounding cubicles. He`d be reminded that a lunch time he would go and get his monthly scalping from Bruno. Mary Lou would come and inspect it and all of his colleagues would laugh. Jake the Snake had become Jake the Joke.