Hogtied by Dave
I am a retired lawyer. I had spent most of my time working in a big city
where work was plentiful, hoping to earn big bucks so I could retire early.
My dream was to retire young and move to the Southwest. The Southwest had a
mystique about it that I couldn’t resist. I moved to the Southwest and
began to enjoy myself. I never dreamed that I would enjoy myself as much as
Yep! I bought myself a pair of cowboy boots and by the way, they are the
most comfortable pair of shoes I have every worn. I was truly amazed. Yep!
I also bought myself a real, honest to goodness Stetson Hat to go along with
my shirts and blue jeans. I thought I looked really cool. I loved to go to
town just to look and absorb the atmosphere of a Western Town. I tried my
best to fit in.
I had met up with Jake. He owned the spread (learning the lingo already)
next to mine and he was a wealth of knowledge. From time to time we would
go into town together. One day I told Jake I was trying my best to ‘fit in.
’ Jake grinned and said, “Well! If you want a good piece of advice from me,
I would begin with the hair. I asked him what was with the hair! He said,
“Look around! Do you see any cowboy with hair down their back like yours?”
I looked around for about an hour and I was surprised to see the cowboys had
really short hair. I said to myself, ‘I don’t know how I missed that one!
My hair is really out of place.’
On our way home, I thought about what Jake had said. I knew I needed to
visit the barber and get with it, as soon as possible. I knew the next time
I went into town, I would go to the barbershop and get the deed done. I
really did like my long hair, but I came to the conclusion, that it made me
mighty uncomfortable at time, when it got really hot. I would tuck the hair
up under my Stetson and each time I would pull the hat off, down would come
the hair and it was a ‘pain’ getting it all back up into the hat to where I
would be comfortable.
I needed to go into town so I asked Jake what barber he would recommend. He
recommended “Bart’s” at the end of main street. Jakes said, “Bart looks and
talks tough, but he is really great barber. You will love going there.
Bart does some crazy things, but take it in stride and enjoy the
Well! I thought I had a good idea as to what I was in for. Well! That was
the farthest from the truth. Let me ‘spell it out for you.’ I walked in
and Bart was sitting in the barber chair. He was talking to three men
sitting in the waiting chairs. I was about to sit down when Bart said,
“Nope! You will sit here! pointing to the chair he had been sitting in. I
indicated that there were three ahead of me, but Bart said, “I have already
taken good care of each of them. Get your butt in this chair.” By the tone
of his voice, I could tell he was having some fun.
I stepped up to the chair and placed myself in it and found it most
comfortable. Before Bart began to put the cape on me, he asked for my hat.
I had forgotten I hadn’t taken it off. When I removed my hat, Bart let out,
“Oh! God! Another Northeasterner.” I thought I had picked up the ‘proper
accent’ of the region. I didn’t know how he knew! Before I knew what was
happening, I found I was being lassoed. The ropes came around me so
quickly, one around my waist and one around my legs. Before I knew it,
another rope came flying down and around my shoulders. Talk about being
I then realized that several of the men who were seated were involved along
with Bart. I couldn’t move if I wanted to. Then I remembered what Jake
told me about Bart and his crazy ways. To tell you the truth, I found the
situation most interesting and I found a smile on my face. Bart came around
and was smiling also. He said, “Well Partner, there is no way you are going
to get out of this haircut. You are going to look and feel much better when
I get finished. I dream of the days when someone like you come in for a
I thought this was a great way to get a haircut. I was so relaxed. I told
Bart to get on with the sheering. Bart picked up a big pair of scissors and
began lopping of long pieces of hair. When he finished with the scissors, I
made the comment that I hoped he wasn’t going too short. Well! I should
have kept my mouth shut. He picked up the scissors and began cutting again
and when he finished, I had much less hair.
I began to get excited. I think I figured out that if I said anything about
going too short, Bart would go even shorter. I thought I would try out my
theory. As Bart finished the second time with the scissors, I said, “I sure
am glad that you are finished cutting the hair. If you keep on, I won’t
have any left on my head.” I saw Bart smiling and he picked up a pair of
clippers and changed blades and began on the neck area. Up and up he went
with the clippers almost to the crown. I can say here and now that the
sensation of the clippers going up the back of my head was truly wonderful.
I can’t remember when I had clippers used.
When Bart had finished going over the sides and back with the clippers, I
could see that I had a lot of hair left on the sides. To test my theory one
more time, I said, “Great! Glad you are finished with the clippers. Don’t
you think the top needs a little attention? It looks a little uneven to
me.” I was hoping my theory was correct! YEP! Bart picked up the
clippers and said, “Yep! The top does need some attention and proceeded to
mow the top down to the same length as the sides and back. When I looked in
the mirror, I noticed that I was almost bald.
Boy! Was I enjoying this haircut! It sure did feel great as I could feel
the air movement in the shop. I had to work on Bart some more. I reached
up and rubbed my head and said, “Boy! I’m glad you have stopped. There isn
’t much hair remaining to lose.” Bart smiled and I noticed that the men
sitting in the chairs were grinning also. I couldn’t tell what cuts the men
had or Bart since they were all wearing their hats. I could tell that I
couldn’t see any hair on what part of their heads I could see.
Once more, Bart picked up another pair of clippers and started right up
front and raced across the top of my head. I didn’t see that much hair
falling but I knew I was being almost scalped. I hadn’t planned of giving
up much hair let alone most of it, but I was having a super time. Just as
Bart was about finished, I said, “I think that is short enough!” Bart
laughed and said, “Not as short as it is going to be!” With that he
lathered up my head and began shaving. The sensation was fantastic. Just
when I thought I was finished, Bart re-lathered my head and shaved my head
again, but this time in the opposite direction. The way I felt at the time,
Bart could keep shaving my head all day if he wanted.
Eventually, Bart did finish the haircut. Talk about smooth and shining! It
felt and looked wonderful. I thanked Bart as he was removing the ropes. I
got up and Bart handed me my Stetson. I put it on and it fell down over my
ears. Everyone laughed! Through my laughing, I said, “Now what do I do
about this hat not fitting any more?” Bart said, “Well! Every cowboy has
to have a hat hanging in their home so I suggest your hat should find a
place on some wall.”
I then remembered the beginning of my haircut so I said, “I sure would like
to see how you got that rope up and around my legs. It happened so quickly
that I didn’t see how it was done. Bart smiled and said, “Sit down and we
will show you!” I sat back down in the chair and before I knew it, I was
tied up exactly like before. I kept an eye on my legs and there it was.
One of the gentlemen who was sitting and talking, had taken and lassoed my
legs. I had him repeat the trick several more times. Boy! He sure was
good. I couldn’t believe my eyes. After I was secured, Bart said, “Now
what am I going to cut now. After these guys went to all of this trouble, I
have to cut something.” Immediately I thought, ‘the only hair I have on my
head is my brows.’ I heard the clippers come to life and Bart approached me
with the clippers and a comb. He said, “I have to cut something and I guess
it is going to be your eyebrows. I indicated that I didn’t want them cut,
but too late. Two men held my head and Bart began cutting my brows. When
he finished, I was turned to the mirror and saw that Bart had only trimmed
them a little. The brows did look much better.
I paid Bart with a generous tip and thanked the men for their help and
entertainment. I walked out into the sunshine. I loved the feel of the sun
on my freshly shaved head. I put the Stetson in my truck and then went off
to buy another one….one that would fit.
I laughed most of the way home. I was determined to let the hair grow back
out to some disgusting stage and then go back in to see Bart. Boy! Talk
about having a problem. I found it very difficult for me to let the hair
grow. Each morning I decided to shave my head, but I was determined.
After a month not seeing Bart, I couldn’t stand it any longer. I hopped in
my truck and off I went to visit Bart for another adventure. I made sure
when I sat in his chair, that I would tell him something that I knew would
trigger him into shaving my head. As Bart was putting the cape on me, he
asked me how I wanted it cut. I said something like, “the last time I was
here I received the worst haircut.” I was watching Bart in the mirror when
I said that. I could see his eyes bulging out and before I knew it, he
said, “So you didn’t like the last cut? Well! You are going to regret that
Inside I was laughing. Jake told me if I got Bart going, I would end up
with the head shaved again. Jake was right. Before I knew it, the entire
head was shining like a month ago. I said, “I didn’t ask for a baldie.”
Bart said, “By the way your are talking, you are going to get a baldie each
time you come in.” I then put the icing on the cake as it were, when I
said, “I guess I will buy a pair of clippers and do my own hair, I can’t do
any worse than what you did!
Bart looked at me and said, “Just a minute! I forgot something.” He picked
up a pair of clippers and began removing my goatee and mustache. He then
said, “Now if you keep talking, you know what your are going to lose the
next round and he grabbed hold of an eyebrow. I didn’t say another word.
When I got home, I saw Jake and told him what happened. Jake said, “You are
getting the best show in town. Bart is really a funny guy and everyone
loves him.” I told Jake, I loved going and watching how much abuse I can
give him. Jake said, “I wouldn’t push him any farther or you will end up
leaving without any eyebrows.
I decided I would get Bart really good! I shave my head into a Mohawk. I
let it grow and grow until it was about 2 inches high. I then let the rest
of the head grow out some and then went in to see Bart! Right a way Bart
got started right after he had the cape on me. He said, “What is this
mess?” I told him I decided I wanted to grow a really long Mohawk. I was
hoping it would offend Bart and he would shave it off. I was right. Before
I got out of the chair, the entire head, save the brows, was clean shaved.
It felt so good. I decided not to offend Bart any more.
The next time I was in town, I made sure to go to and see Bart and when I
was caped, I said, “It’s been a month now. I hope you have had enough
practice this past month so I can get a good haircut. Well! Bart was off
and running. Need I say how I looked afterwards? I sure do love the South-
west…what color and friends. I ain’t leaven partner!
About a month later, I received a phone call from my best friend, Joe. Joe
and I worked together back in the big city. Joe had a long vacation coming
up and he wanted to come to the southwest and spend some time in the area.
Of course I couldn’t wait to invite him to stay at my place. I told him he
could get to see everything there was to see from my home. Much to my
delight, Joe accepted my invitation. I couldn’t wait for the day to arrive
when Joe would be arriving. I picked him up at the airport and after the
greetings, Joe said, “Boy! You sure have changed. I love the outfit.”
When we got to the ranch, I made sure Joe as comfortable. When he got
himself settled, he came to the kitchen where I was preparing our evening
meal. The first thing out of his mouth was, “For God’s Sake! What happened
to your hair?” I laughed and told him I found it most uncomfortable in this
heat so I got rid of it. Joe then said, “Man! I sure do like it. It must
have taken some guts to get a head shave.” I smiled and said, “Not
Really!” Then a sadistic thought came to me. I would let Joe meet up with
The first thing Joe wanted to do the next day was to go into town and absorb
the atmosphere. He wanted to get an outfit like mine so he would ‘blend in’
and enjoy himself. I made sure that I didn’t wear my 10 gallon hat that
morning. I tossed it in the back of the cab and off we went. It didn’t
take long to get Joe outfitted. He wanted to buy a cowboy hat, but I talked
him out of it for the time being. I didn’t say a word about Joe’s hair. I
was sure that he wouldn’t last long in the heat until he would want to get a
haircut. Joe’s hair was much longer than mine when I worked with him.
Yep! It wasn’t long before Joe said, “Man! This heat. How are you
standing this heat!” I rubbed my bald head and said, “This is the haircut
of choice around here. You might well get rid of that hair and be
comfortable.” Joe laughed and said, “I should get a little trimmed off.
Now where is a good barbershop around here?” Now I’m not stupid. I sure
wasn’t going to let this golden opportunity slip through my fingers. I
pointed out Bart’s Barbershop. I was about to tell him about Bart, but then
my sadistic sense got the best of me. Knowing how Joe talked, I would say
nothing and let him ‘hang himself.’
We entered Bart’s Barbershop and as per usual, he was sitting in his chair
and he had his three friends shooting the breeze. I introduced Joe to Bart
& the three guys and Bart invited Joe to have a seat. I sat down prepared
to enjoy myself. I happened to bring my digital camera with me and was
taking pictures of Joe and the surroundings in the city. As per usual, Bart
said, “Another Northeasterner.” Joe looked surprised and I took a picture
just as the first of the ropes was in place. The expression on Joe’s face
was priceless. It wasn’t long before he was hogtied, just like I had been
on my first visit to Bart’s.
Bart combed Joe’s hair as he asked him how he wanted it cut. I couldn’t
wait for Joe’s reply. Joe began to tell Bert what he wanted. Joe didn’t
know it, but he was ‘cutting his own throat’ by his comments. Each demand
didn’t go unnoticed by Bert. I could see some redness in Bert’s face and
neck that told me that Joe was really pushing Bert’s buttons but Joe didn’t
know it. I knew Joe was going to leave the shop, a changed man. I couldn’t
wait. I began taking pictures, later to be called BEFORE. As Joe’s hair
was leaving him, I made sure I took lots of pictures. Finally, Joe made the
worst comment he could make. He said, “Sir! This has to be the worst
haircut I have ever had.”
Upon hearing that comment, Bert smiled and said, “Well Sir! You just said
the magic word or words.” With that, Bert took his clippers and took what
hair Joe had remaining on his head and began total removal. In no time, Joe
was getting up from the chair with a fantastic Head Shave. I gave Joe two
thumbs up and smiled. Joe felt his head and smiled.
Joe turned to Bert and said, “Man! You really did a fantastic job. I love
it! You are a true artist.” Joe shook Bert’s hand and then paid him. As
we left the shop, Joe said, “Why didn’t you tell me about Bert? I’m glad
you didn’t. I wouldn’t have the nerve to ask for this haircut.” I laughed
and said, “Joe! I wanted you to experience exactly what I did and I knew
you would totally enjoy it. It will be something to tell the gang back
As we stepped into the New Mexican Sun, immediately Joe touched his head and
said, “WOW! I can’t believe this. It feels so great.” I then said, “Now
it is time to buy that hat!” I know that Joe knew what I was saying.
The day Joe left, he said, “Man! I had the best time. I’m going to move
here when I retire. I love it here. The folks here are so friendly! It is
really love it here. I bet the folks back home won’t believe the stories I
am going to tell them.”
I sure did miss Joe, and was looking forward to his retirement and moving
here. Joe had only 2 more years to go before retirement. I would keep an
eye out for a good buy. I was hoping that Joe would let his hair grow
really long so he could once again meet up with Bert and have the FUN of
going bald again. I can’t wait to see that again. Meanwhile, I am enjoying
my new home and the people. Oh! Yes! And the best haircut too.