Haircut No. 1, 2 or 3? by Chris
My brother-in-law Steve showed up for a family barbecue this past Saturday afternoon with a new haircut and told an interesting story behind it.
Steve got his wife Sherry angry with him and she decided it was time to teach him a lesson. Her way of doing it: a short haircut.
Steve had never been into buzzcuts or other short styles, always letting his hair fall over his ears and collar before even getting a trim.
But the Friday before last, Sherry had enough. She told Steve that he had to get a very short haircut or pay severe consequences.
Sherry had stopped that afternoon at the neighborhood barber shop, John's, and asked if Steve needed an appointment for a haircut. No, she was told, the shop works by appointment during the week but only by walk-in on Saturday.
When Steve got home from work Friday night, Sherry made Steve sit down and she told Steve that she was tired of him looking like a slob and that he needed to change his ways. He needed to dress nicer, she told him at that point, and showed him a new suit and some slacks and nice shorts and shirts she had bought him.
The next morning, Steve got up early to mow the lawn. After he was finished, Sherry told him to take a shower and get ready to go out. Steve went to put on his usual Saturday outfit, basketball shorts and a T-shirt, but Sherry stopped him and had him put on a pair of his new shorts and a golf shirt. When out in public, Sherry told Steve, she wants him in a shirt with a collar.
The first stop was a neighborhood breakfast spot for a bite to eat. While they were eating, Sherry laid down the next part of her plan. Steve had to get a very short haircut and keep it that way all summer. Her dad and brothers had served in the military, and she was sick of his shaggy hair.
Sherry than explained that she wanted to have a little fun in choosing the cut. She explained that they were going to the barbershop after eating and that Steve was to carry three slips of paper. Each had a different haircut written on it. Sherry had explained her plan to the barber she spoke with the day before.
When they arrived, there was a short wait until Steve was called to the first chair, getting the same barber she had talked to. Steve said he had written down three haircuts and that the barber was to choose one slip of paper and give him that haircut.
The barber took a slip and a big smile crossed his face. The paper said: "Give him a very short ivy league cut, 1950s schoolboy style with whitewalls."
The barber decided to start by getting it all to a manageable length so he put the No. 8 guard on a clipper and cut it all to one inch.
Steve seemed to this he was done after that, but no, the barber was just starting.
He took his Oster clippers with a No. 1 guard and sheared Steve all the way to the crown up the sides and back. The barber then took a 00000 blade and clipped the sides and back almost as high with the that, leaving almost nothing but skin in its path. The barber then used clippers over comb to cut the top hair to a half-inch, just enough to comb over and slick down with a slick part, and then he did some blending. Steve was glad to finally hear the clippers go off, but the barber wasn't done. The barber took his thinning shears and gave what was left of Steve's hair a good thrashing with them, leaving the hair pretty thin and whispy. Then another clipper, the edger, came on, and the barber went quite high with those, removing all of his sideburns and stubble pretty high above the ears and on the neck.
Steve was just in shock when the barber turned him around and showed him the damage. Sherry told the barber he had done an excellent job and that Steve would be back often for haircuts.
The next morning, Sherry told Steve to get up about a half hour earlier than usual to get ready for church. He had to wear his new suit, she told him, instead of jeans or ragged shorts and a T-shirt. And in addition to showering, Sherry told Steve to shave. He can't have facial hair with this new haircut, she told him.
That night, Steve asked Sherry long he had to keep this haircut. It was the dumbest-looking haircut he ever saw, Steve told Sherry.
Oh, he didn't have to keep that haircut, Sherry said. But for the forseeable future, he had to have one of the haircuts on the three slips. She then handed him the other two. One said high and tight horseshoe flattop; one said Marine-style induction cut.
Steve decided to give it the workweek to see if he liked the cut even better, but that didn't happen. So this past Saturday, Steve was back in the barbershop. He got the same barber and told him he wanted one of the cuts on the other sheets that the barber had chosen from the previous week and handed it to him.
The barber opened it and got another big smile. He took out his closest-cutting clipper, the Wahl balding clipper, and ran it over Steve's head. His hair was all gone in 20 seconds. the barber then ran the edger over the head to be sure nothing was missed. In 60 seconds, he was bald.
That is why he showed up at the family barbecue that afternoon in nice next clothes with no hair.