The Haircut Story Site

Categories & Clippers by Brad

Cheesy music played and the lights blared on me as my stomach continued to fill with butterflies.

"Alright everyone, welcome to Categories & Clippers!" boomed the host.

Christ, what have I gotten myself into?

I had been living in Los Angeles for a few months now trying to make it. I don’t know if I wanted to be a star, per se, but I loved acting and was taking bit parts here and there to make ends meet.

"We’re excited to welcome four contestants for our inaugural episode tonight, being livestreamed on the new Bidly app," the host continued.

One day I saw a posting for a webseries gig that was looking for guys willing to have their haircut as part of a gameshow. The pay was good �" it’d cover next month’s rent. I had heard about Bidly. It’s supposed to be a new app where they create short shows you can watch on your phone. Just what the world needs �" another streaming platform.

"The rules of this game are simple, but the consequences are not. Our three contestants here are in need of haircuts."

Because they told us not to get a haircut for 2 months.

"And we’d sure like to help them out. But they have to play our game first. Our contestants will have to play a rapid game of Categories where we give them a topic and they have to take turns giving an example of that topic."

Everyone above the age of 16 has played king’s cup, douchebag. We get it.

"The person who pauses or gives an incorrect answer will have part of their head buzzed."

It’s just hair, right? Am I scowling? I shouldn’t scowl if I’m on camera.

"But, we’ll be nice and start with the back and sides. There’s always a chance to come out with a nice, respectable, albeit short, haircut. The last one with hair is the winner! Let’s met our contestants."

"Hi, I’m Paul and I’m from Tucson, Arizona. It’s been about 3 months since my last haircut? I usually just have a simple taper �" nothing special."

"Hey, I’m Jackson from Jacksonville, Florida. Yes, really. It’s been maybe 4 months since my last haircut? I typically keep it faded but money’s been tight, ya know?"

They insisted I make that joke. I’m actually from Gainesville but they said no one would know where that is and thought Jacksonville was close enough, and would be funny. At least the money part is real.

"Hello, I’m Tony from San Diego, California. I’ve been growing this out for about 9 months? I wanted a manbun but I feel like that fad is over and I’m tired of messing with it so I guess anything today is an improvement."

The host continued, "I’d say all of you will have some sort of improvement today! There’s always a chance you come out with a clean short back and sides. But, only if you can master our categories. Let’s begin the game!"

Melodramatic music plays and a in a barber’s tunic comes out with a box of supplies.

"This is Seth, our resident barber. I promise he’s a good, trained barber �" even if it doesn’t look like it with today’s circumstances. We will go in the same order as you introduced yourselves, so Paul, then Jackson from Jacksonville, then Tony. We’ll be keeping time as you answer and you’ll hear a ‘BUZZ’ if you’ve taken too long to answer, or if your answer was incorrect. Ha, get it? ‘Buzz?’ Our first category is American beers."

Psh, easy.

Paul �" "Budweiser."

Me �" "Bud Lite."

Tony �" "Coors."

Paul �" "Busch."

Me �" "Natty Lite."

Tony �" "Keystone."

Paul �" "Coors."

BUZZ

"Oooh, I’m sorry Paul, but Tony already said Coors. Seth?" the host said.

Upbeat music played as Seth brought over clippers and began buzzing the right side of Paul’s head. Paul winced, but it was over quickly. I couldn’t see what he looked like because I was to his left.

The host continued, "You’re looking better already, Paul. Jackson from Jacksonville, it’s your turn to start. Category #2 is…American Idol winners."

Oh s**t. I never watched that.

Me �" "Uhh uhh Kelly Clarkson."

Tony �" "Ruben Studdard."

Paul �" "Candice Glover."

Who the hell is that??

Me �" "Umm Carrie Underwood!"

Tony �" "Dammit uhh uhh uhhh"

BUZZ

The host jumps in, "Oh no I’m sorry, Tony. ‘Uhh uhh uhh’ did not win any of the American Idol seasons. Seth?"

Seth goes to Tony and sections out his longer hair, leaving a top knot. It doesn’t look bad, despite that fad having died down. He clacks on the clippers and mows through the left side of Tony’s head quickly. They really don’t want me to see the result, do they?

The host continues. "Looking a little pale, there, Tony. Dark hair must do that to you. Paul, you’ll be starting now with Category #3 �" American Horror Story seasons."

Paul �" "Coven."

Me �" "Hotel?"

Tony �" "Asylum."

Paul �" "Roanoke."

Me �" "Uh, the first one."

BUZZ

I knew that wouldn’t work.

The host shames me. "Oooooh no, sorry, Jackson from Jacksonville, but the first season is not called "the first one. Oh, Seth?"

Seth walks toward me with clippers. My heart begins beating. He begins buzzing the back of my hair. Wait �" s**t �" is there a guard on those?? Seth works extremely fast so he’s done in no time. I take my hand and touch the back of my head. It’s only skin.

The host notices my surprise. "Oh right, now may be a good time to tell all of you that we aren’t using a guard on our clippers. It gets in the way of a lot of things, I’m sure you understand. Anywho, Tony will start with Category #4 �" American cities with over one million people."

Dammit they’re getting harder.

Tony �" "New York."

Paul �" "LA."

Me �" "Chicago."

Tony �" "San Diego."

Paul �" "Dallas."

Me �" "Miami."

BUZZ

Me �" "What??"

"’What, indeed, Jackson from Jacksonville," the host comments. "While your home state of Florida is one of the most populated states, none of your cities have a population of one million. There’s probably a way we could’ve compared this question with the millions of hairs on your head that you’ll be losing, but our writers are phoning it in today. Seth?"

Seth returns with the clippers and attacks the sides of my head. I have to look ridiculous at this point. All I can feel are skinned sides. They didn’t even cape us for this so now I have loose hairs all over my polo.

The host chuckles at my nervousness. "Don’t worry, Jackson from Jacksonville. Maybe you’ll make it out of here with an extremely high fade. That’ll be good for this LA heat! Tony, you’ll start us off again with Category #5 �" American Presidents between 1900 and 1970."

Why are they getting harder??

Tony �" "Uhh Kennedy."

Paul �" "Truman?"

Me �" "Eisenhower."

Tony �" "Oh god why are there so many. Umm Carter?"

BUZZ

The host laughs. "No, Tony. Jimmy Carter was President from 1977 until 1981. You’d remember that if you weren’t a damn 90s baby. Seth, can you help us out here?"

Seth quickly makes history of Tony’s back and right side. There’s a sharp contrast between Tony’s eight inches of hair on top and nothing on the sides. Seth pulls the hair tie out and rubs his fingers through what remains of Tony’s hair. He looks a mess but he’s smiling at least.

The host chuckles. He clearly loves this. "Aww Tony, you kind of look like one of those mop top pens my nephews have. Hopefully we can fix that. Paul, you’re up with Category #6 �" American Olympic gold medalists."

Paul �" "How patriotic do you think we are?"

Host �" "Time starts now."

Paul �" "Uhh s**t, Michael Phelps, right?"

Me �" "Oh umm Ryan Lochte?"

Tony �" "Damn I dunno haha"

BUZZ

The host grins from ear to ear. "Ooooh Tony, looks like you’re our first loser of the day and the series! Well, I guess ‘loser’ is subjective, but I’ll call you a loser. Seth - one baldy, please."

Tony continues laughing and putting his hand over his face as Seth begins running the clippers into Tony’s hair. He starts with shaving off the sides leaving a floppy mohawk and gives it some fluff for all of us to see. Then he continues buzzing it down. When it’s all said and done, Tony is left without hair and Seth gives his head a rub. Tony uses both of his hands to rub his head and his eyes get wide as he smiles

"How’s it feel?" the host asks.

"Umm different. Feels like a big change," Tony replies as he continues to touch his head. His t-shirt and shorts are covered in long, black hair.

"And your head is extremely pale, so I’d say that’s a big change. But don’t worry, everyone will now you just shaved your head because of that. Now we have two remaining players! Paul is in the, erm, lead? He just has more hair so we’ll say he’s winning. Paul, start us off with Category #7 �" American hot dog brands!"

Paul and I groan.

Paul �" "Oscar Meyer."

Me �" "Ballpark."

Paul �" "Hebrew National."

Me �" "Ummm uhhh f***."

BUZZ

"Oh no, ‘f***’ is not a brand," the host comments. "And if it were, I can’t imagine it would sell well. Jackson from Jacksonville, it looks like we need Seth here to finish the job!"

Seth comes over to me and rests his hand on my shoulder. He takes the clippers and runs them through the middle of my hair �" I guess I don’t get a fun mohawk. He takes several swipes and I can see in the camera monitor that I’m totally bald. Was this guy a boot camp barber? He cleans up the rest of my head and begins rubbing my bald head with both of us his hands, smiling.

The host chimes in, "Alright Jackson from Jacksonville, what’s the verdict?"

I rub my head and grin a bit. "I guess I’m stuck with it for a bit."

"That you are! But don’t worry Tony and Jackson from Jacksonville, on average, hair grows half and inch per month so you’ll be back to your normal selves by Halloween. Paul �" congratulations for winning! Seth, can we clean up Paul?"

Seth goes back to his box of supplies and puts a guard on the clippers. He fades what is remaining of the back and sides of Paul’s head, then uses scissors to trim up his top. He winds up with a pretty respectable high fade. I’m jealous.

"Congratulations on all of your free haircuts, and we’ll see you next time for another episode of Categories & Clippers!"

The director yells "cut" and then the crew laughs at the pun. A producer meets with the three of us backstage.

"Alright, thanks guys that was great. Here are your checks."

I look down at my check and it seems lower than what I was promised. I walk back up to the producer and ask why.

"Didn’t you read the contract? You only get the full advertised payment if you win."

I stammer "But, but this is like 30% of the full payment! That’s all I get?"

The producer smirks and says "No, you also got a free haircut, kid." He then rubs my head and walks away.

That’s showbiz for ya…

Comments
I would probably watch this show, and I don't watch much TV. ;-)
by Vegard on 30 Apr 2020
Original and very good, thanks.
by M DeMarlo on 30 Apr 2020
This was a fun read, I hope you continue to write.
by burrlypup on 29 Apr 2020