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Skinnysag by Deke Cutter
Note-Skinnysag was looking for somebody to write a story about him, I hope others will also try.
He called himself skinnysag. He had long lush hair that fell down onto his shoulder blades in waves that most teenaged girls would die for. He continued to wear his skinny jeans so that they sagged down always showing a bit of his latest pair of designer underwear. Skinnysag loved his hair more than anything else. He pampered and preened it, spending over an hour a day caring for it. He would get into an absolute funk if the weather was too humid or, heaven forbid, raining. He would stomp his feet and refused to go out of his house. It was this very silly refusal to leave his house that led to Skinnysag losing another job. Skinnysag just laughed about the job and said "with my beautiful hair, I will find another job. There must be stores all over town that will want me to be a magnet for the ladies to come in to see me and shop in their stores.
Skinnysag, decided he was going to celebrate his freedom from work by going to the local Irish pub that was holding a Saint Baldrick's Day event. "I will make all those shaved headed losers feel remorse for their lack of hair. I bet some of their girlfriends will even come around and want me with my beautiful hair. I bet I won't even have to pay for a drink." The event was a big success. When Skinnysag arrived, the event coordinator saw Skinnysag and said "wow, thank you so much for volunteering to give up your beautiful hair for such a good cause." Skinnysag, almost soiled his jeans when he heard this. "NO WAY DUDE! I am never cutting my beautiful hair. Only cops and military drones have conformist short haircuts. I am just here to watch all these losers get their heads buzzed."
As the event went on, Skinnysag had been drinking heavily and making rude comments about the men and women who were so bravely giving up their hair. The bar owner repeatedly warned Skinnysag to quiet down. Finally, the event was winding down. The event coordinator went to the microphone and announced that they needed one more shave to beat their planned number of head shaves and that if they could raise another 200 dollars, they would surpass their monetary goal by 200 percent. Several people turned toward Skinnysag and said "Hey Dude, I'll put up that much just to see you skinned" and "your next girlman." This freaked skinnysag out and made his little general start to dance. But, even though he secretly thought it would be exciting, he knew he would no longer feel special if he was skinned. So, he demanded his bill. When it arrived, he reached for his wallet, and was stunned to realize he had left it home. He told this to the waitress and said he would be right back with it. The waitress went to the manager who came over looking very angry. "After all the trouble you caused today, you expect me to let you go? You have a bill of over $200.00 for food and booze. Lucky for me, there are still some police officers here who participated in the event today. Let's see what they have to say. The manager conferred with the police and brought them over. The police looked at Skinnysag with disgust. They told him that there was only one way to avoid the jail...that would be to get up on the stage and get his haircut for charity and then work off what he owed at the bar owner's discretion. Skinnysag didn't even need to think about it. "Take me to jail" he said, at least I will still have my hair." The County Sheriff happened to be present too. He came over rubbing his newly shorn head and said, "I don't think so son. We have had a problem with lice and with clogged drains and we are taking care of both by keeping our male inmates shorn." Skinnysag nearly fainted. With that he was frogmarched onto the stage and bidding began fast and furious. $2000.00 were soon raised for the cause. With a burly policeman holding him down and three more surrounding him, the barber approached. "What will it be?" The cop answered, shave him bald with the bare blade, no guard." Skinnysag thought he would faint as the buzzing shears neared him forehead. The tears started to flow as clippers cut the first strip out of his beautiful thick locks. At first the clippers seemed to hesitate, but these were high powered surgical shears donated by the hospital especially for difficult cases. Quickly, the clippers cut away a nice white strip. Soon the entire top was cleared and Skinnysag looked like one of those old hippies who had gone bald on top. The crowd roared with laughter and Skinnysag felt that familiar stirring below the cape. Next the barber removed his perfectly groomed sideburns and started up the sides. As Skinnysag sat in horror, feeling both shock and excitement as well as an overwhelming fear of how he would show himself to the world as a skinhead, the long locks continued to fall. When the barber finished, Skinnysag, felt exhausted. He was given a mirror and allowed to see himself for the first time. He hardly recognized himself. He saw a tear stained face, large ears and a slightly acquiline nose. He raised his hands to his head and felt the sandpaper-like quality of his head. He was about to leave, when the police officer put his hand on Skinnysag's shoulder.
"Wait a minute buzz buddy," said the cop. "You still have the matter of your bill to sort out.." The bar owner came over and said, "you had a total of 12 items, you may work off your tab by doing one hour a month of free table bussing. If you wish to work a full shift, I will pay you for the rest. As this establishment sells food, I will expect you to maintain your new haircut for the whole time." As it turned out, Skinnysag's change of hairstyle also brought about a change of attitude and that is why he now goes by the nickname Skinny Skinhead.