Arnie Learns A Lesson Or Two by Deke Cutter

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When Arnie and Siobhan’s son Jamie was still a baby, they had agreed that his beautiful hair would not be cut unless he wanted it cut. This suited both Arnie for whom haircuts related to a bitter family experience, and Siobhan who loved her sons shimmering copper-colored locks. This worked well for over a decade. But at 11, Jamie came to Arnie and asked him if he could cut his hair. "Dad, it’s just too much trouble at soccer. I’m always the last one getting dressed and I just want something different."

As shocked as Arnie was, he was prepared for this day coming. He replied, "sure son, I’ll make an appointment with Lisa at the salon, and she’ll give you a nice shorter style."

Arnie and Siobhan had raised Jamie to speak his mind, and speak, he did. "Um, pops, I really don’t want to go to the salon, can’t we go to a barber? Timmy, Jake and Eric all go to barbers and get cool-looking haircuts. I don’t think I can get what I want from Lisa."

"Well, son, then a barber it shall be. How about this Saturday?" Jamie agreed and Arnie went in search of his wife. He told her about his conversation with his son.

Siobhan replied, "I am a bit heartbroken, but I am not surprised. While Jamie has my self-confidence, he does have your desire to "be one of the guys." His teammates and buddies are all short-haired. And this could be a chance for you to get past your barbershop phobia. I mean really, you always get lovely haircuts from Lisa, but it’s not like you need a salon for a haircut that length. It might be good for you and your son to go and get haircuts together."

"I guess," said Arnie, as his memory took him back to the reason that he hated barbers and barbershops. Arnie had navigated middle school and the first year of high school successfully. He was not part of the in-crowd. He did, however, exist on the outer edges of it. He had played little league baseball and soccer and had been a competitive soccer player in Middle School. But he didn’t make the junior varsity soccer team in high school. He was also a good student, making grades of As and Bs. He also did well in physical education class. He was average looking, and he was a nice person. Arnie had dated some cute girls and was the kind of boy that girls could feel comfortable bringing home and could enjoy going out with.

Arnie managed to fit in. He tried to look and act like the other kids when at school but knew he had to be careful that he never did anything that would set his father’s temper off. His father had an old-fashioned belief that things like the way a young man dressed, how he spoke, how long his hair was, if he kept up with his hygiene all determined if he was a good person. His father believed in respect of one’s elders and always being kind to what his father called "the less fortunate." This is where Arnie got into the trouble that led to his downfall. His mother had asked Arnie to go over and help Mrs. Miller, down the street, by pushing the screens down for spring and putting the glass "storm windows" up. Mrs. Miller had the ancient aluminum ones with separate tracks for screens and windows that had to be changed twice a year. Arnie didn’t like her because she treated him like he worked for her, never said thanks and never even offered him a glass of water, let alone a soda or cookie. And she was rich as Croesus, everybody knew it. Her late husband had owned half of the town. But Arnie had gone over there and done all thirty windows in the huge house. His finger had been smashed when one window came down on it. Luckily, he was pretty sure, "the old bag" didn’t hear the "goddammit" slip out of his mouth when that happened. He was pleased with himself because he even remembered to wipe down all the windows and the sills, so she didn’t yell at him for leaving his "dirty fingerprints all over the place" like she had done last year, when she had made him go back over every window and windowsill in her presence.

After he finished with Mrs. Miller, he still had time to shoot some hoops with a couple of his buddies until it was supper time. When he got home, his mother was in the kitchen with a worried expression on her face. "Dad wants to see you, he’s out in the garage." Arnie couldn’t figure out what that was about, so he headed out there, without even thinking about it.

His father was seething when he got there. "Arnold James Winters, look at you, your hair is a mess, you are sweating profusely. Don’t open your mouth. I come home after a difficult day to a phone call from Mrs. Miller telling me that you took our Lord’s name in vain in front of her! What is becoming of you?

"But dad, one of those glass windows fell on my finger when I was moving it and the words just slipped out. The old battle ax, I mean, Mrs. Miller must have been lurking in the hallway. I did not purposely take the Lord’s name in her presence."

"Does that really matter? Jesus could still hear you! And is that any way to speak of an elderly neighbor who needs some assistance? Boy, you are getting too big for your britches. I think it is time you were brought down a peg or two and I am going to make sure that it happens. Am I clear?"

"Yes sir. I apologize for my bad and disrespectful language sir." Arnie knew better than to appear defiant at a moment like this.

"Now, go take a shower and don’t spend any time on that hair, just run a comb through it." Arnie showered as quickly as he could, ran a comb through his hair, trying to make it look neat and rushed back to his father who was finishing a telephone call. All Arnie heard was, "Great Ed see you soon." When his father saw him, he simply said, "get in the car." Arnie did as he was told. "I’ve been chatting with John Keating during the coffee hour after mass. I’ve admired how well behaved and well-groomed his three boys are." Arnie got a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. He didn’t like where this was going. The Keating boys, aged 13, 11, and 9 were the nicest nerdiest looking kids in the entire parish. Their clothes were the plainest that could be found at a chain store. They had identical very short haircuts with no style to them, parted to the side and slicked down, and they always had highly polished hard souled shoes on for church and cheap ‘sneakers’ on the rest of the time. "John’s given me the address of the barber that cuts his boys hair and that is where we are going first."

"Please dad, I’ll get a haircut, but let me go to our regular barber. It will be really hard at school if I…."

"If you what, son? If you get made fun of the way you made fun of Mrs. Miller with than nasty name. Or the way the other kids at church make fun of John’s boys?" Do you think we don’t know about that? Well, son, learning a bit of humility will make you a stronger person in the end. Now, I expect obedience, and respectful behavior at the barber’s home. He has a shop right behind his house."

Arnie walked up the driveway of a smart-looking ranch-style home. His father led him along a path around the side of the house that led across the yard to a tidy looking building that could have been an office or, a guest house. There were lights on, and Arnie’s dad, knocked and entered. The barber was a man about the same age as Arnie’s dad. He was physically fit and had a short businessman’s haircut. "Come in, you must be Jim and Arnie. I’m Ed Baxter. Arnie, why don’t you hop up into the barber chair for me while dad and I have a little chat." Then, as if Arnie wasn’t even present, his father and Ed the barber started to discuss the end of his social life.

Arnie’s dad started, "I’ve admired the cuts you give to the Keating boys for some time. As you can see, my son’s hair isn’t too long, but it is very thick, and those bangs are a bit out of control. I want him in a neat short cut like the older Keating boy. I particularly like the way those boys’ hair lays flat to their heads and you have the hair cut so that there is no long forelock. I like their good clean tapers too, with just that slight tab at the top of each ear."

You are talking about the cut I call my ‘young gent’ special," said Ed. "It is good for most boys (and looking over to Arnie) and young men. I make sure the hair is cut so it stays in place and just needs a quick combing to keep it looking its best. Now Arnie is a nice young fellow, so I am not going to have to warn him about misbehavior in the chair."

Arnie, desperate to save any dignity and any hair that he could said in a contrite voice "no sir."

"Well, that is good because I have had young fellows your age and older leave here with their hair cut down to the wood if they give me any sass or don’t sit still." And with that, ‘the great haircut massacre,’ as Arnie came to think of it began. He watched in the mirror in horror as the barber took the clippers to the thick full hair that covered the top half of his ear. All but about a half inch of hair was left about half- way up the side of his head. The barber then went to work aggressively up the back of his head, replacing is full natural hairline with an aggressive taper that seemed extremely high. Soon the other side was stripped too. The barber then went to work, clipper over comb, shortening and flattening the sides and upper part of the back of his head. All the while, Arnie could hear the conversation between his father and the barber. The barber explained that he was a mechanical engineer and had started cutting hair in college to pay expenses. He noted that barbering, like engineering required precision and a care for details. Once his own sons were born, he saw a way to save some money. Several of his friends and colleagues asked if he could cut their hair or their sons when they saw how neat and tidy his own boys looked and soon, he expanded his home office to have the barbershop in the front, and his engineering workspace in the back. To Arnie’s despair, the barber said that he was quite adept at all styles but understood the benefits of a good short haircut for a boy. Arnie had not realized as he listened to the older men that the hair on top of his head was quickly being reduced in length by the "lift and cut" method, followed by the dreaded thinning shears. This part seemed like it would never end and when the thinning shears were put on the counter and his hair was combed into a very precise side part, it was so thin and light that it didn’t look like his hair. The remaining thinned hair was then combed forward for the "coup de grace." The wispy hair still fell to mid-forehead. The barber combed the back half into place, but then began trimming the bangs, combing them over, combing them back down, and trimming some more. Finally, he had created his masterpiece. Arnie’s, short bangs tucked neatly along his hairline, extremely neat, extremely short. Arnie was then ‘treated’ to warm shaving cream around his ears and neck. His former sideburns were completely obliterated, he had an arch around each ear, and high taper in the back.

When the barber held a mirror up to show him the back of his head, Arnie was barely able to hold in his tears. His father, however, positively beamed. "Now that is exactly the haircut I wanted for my son. Thanks, Ed. I understand that you don’t ‘charge’ but I’ll just leave this in the basket here, sort of a ‘free-will’ offering, eh."

Arnie’s reverie continued with memories of the first week of school after the haircut and his dad’s forcing him to wear ‘dork clothes.’ He was the butt of teasing and jokes and fell completely out of the circle of the kids who were ‘in.’ He did learn humility, if that came through humiliation. His mother intervened on the clothes and after six months of scalpings, he was able to let his hair grow out. But it took a long time for the damage done by the repeated thinnings to be ‘repaired.’ He never returned to that outer circle of the high-school in-crowd, but he did learn a lot about parenting and about friendship.

"Earth to Arnie," Siobhan called softly."

"Sorry hon, all this haircut talk had me remembering ‘the great haircut massacre’ and its aftermath."

"Well, your dad did have anger issues, that’s for sure and he did admit that he was wrong about the old lady when he found out she took immense joy from creeping around trying to catch the neighborhood-boys who came to help her doing something wrong. And after a couple of rough years in high school, you met me, so it all worked out," she said this with the smile that always melted Arnie’s heart.
Saturday morning dawned and Arnie and Jamie left for the barber shop after Siobhan had taken before pictures of Jamie with his flowing locks. They agreed to ask the barber to save the ponytail and they would send it to one of the organizations that made wigs for kids with cancer. "You’re not having any second thoughts about this are you, Jamie?"

"Nope, I’m psyched, dad."

"O.K., I checked this place out with Eric’s dad. He says all the barbers are good and we don’t need to worry about who cut our hair."

"Our hair, dad?"

"Hey buddy, if a barber shop is good enough for my boy, its good enough for me. If you’re going to be keeping your hair short, we can make this a regular father/son thing, if you want."

"Oh, that’s cool dad. Yeah!"

As Jamie opened the door of the shop, the barber sitting in the first chair, stood and greeted them. "Welcome to "Top Man Barber Shop." I’m Joe, the owner, this is Skip and those guys working in the back are Anthony and Nando."

"I’m Arnie Winters and this is my son Jamie. He’s here for "the big chop."

Joe got a big smile on his face and said to Jamie, "I’m honored that you chose our shop for this big occasion, Jamie. I will let Skip do the honors. He is the preferred barber for the guys your age, especially the soccer team, I recognize that kit you are wearing. I’ll take your dad in my chair. By the way, we can film the cut if you want. We do that for a lot of ‘big makeover’ haircuts.’

"Arnie said, "my wife would love that, if Jamie is ok with it." (Jamie indicated he was).

"OK then Arnie, I’ll leave Skip and Jamie to discuss his haircut, what are we doing for you today?

"Well, Joe, I have not had a haircut from a barber since I was in high school. My dad made me get some brutal ones back then as a form of discipline and control. I’ve pretty much had this haircut or some variation in length since college. "

Before Arnie could continue or Joe could respond, Jamie called over from the next chair. "Dad, look at this picture, this how I am getting my haircut." It was a nice looking tapered, side parted haircut that was quite short, but that Arnie knew to be a length and style quite popular with Jamie’s friends and fellow students.

"Great choice, son. Let me know before he cuts off the pony."

Joe returned to the conversation he and Arnie had been having, "I can recommend something similar for you, Arnie. A bit less tight on the taper and maybe leaving some of the fullness rather than thinning it out on top."

Arnie hadn’t expected this. He just thought he would get a bit of a trim, perhaps a bit less polished than he got at the salon, but a taper?! "Well…"

"Dad, we’re ready for the big chop!" Arnie looked over and saw Jamie’s ponytail with rubber bands at the top and bottom, almost twenty inches long. "O.K. Skip, let’s do it." And with about 5 snips, Skip had severed the ponytail. He handed it to Jamie who had a huge smile on his face. "Finally!" He said. The barber then took the severed hair from Jamie. He put it on the counter and went back to work.

Arnie looked in the mirror at Joe’s reflection and said, "that young fellow has never had a haircut in his life. I’ll tell you what. You give me a haircut as similar to the one he is getting that you think will look good on me."

True to his word, Joe created a moderate taper along the bottom of the sides of his head and at the back. With Arnie’s permission, Joe had shortened his sideburns to mid-ear. The hair on top had been cut shorter and layered slightly by Joe and the cut made Arnie look cleaner and, he thought, younger. Jamie, looked like a different kid. The tight taper, the side part, the classic quiff in the front all made him look like a boy entering his teens rather than a younger boy.

As they walked down the street toward the diner where they were going to have a late morning snack before going to soccer practice, Arnie asked Jamie what he thought about the whole experience. "In a word, dad, ‘perfect.’ We both got great haircuts and I get to spend all this time with you. And barbershops are cool, all the guys hanging out, talking. I’m glad we did this together.

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