If the cap fits wear it by My barbershop memories

---

The year was 1974 and like most 11 year olds I was sat at home watching crackerjack on the telly. The doorbell rang and I knew by the four rapid bing bongs that it was my best mate Dave. I'll get the door shall I, said my Dad, yeah thanks Dad i don't wanna miss this bit.
WOW! look at you,i heard my Dad exclaim.
It is David, isn't it?...
Oh, very funny Mr Thomas. Don't take the Mick. Sorry David, i wasn't taking the Mick. You look fantastic , it really suits you. Very smart. Come on in son. What the f..ks going on i though to myself, Pat! Pat! Come here my Dad shouted,. My Mum came rushing in from the kitchen, what's wrong she said. Nothings wrong dear, in fact, quite the opposite, at that, David and my Dad came into the living room,. Wow look at you, you look great, I never realised you were such a good looking lad, and so smart, said my Mum. I on the other hand, found myself speechless, staring at him open mouthed. Aren't you going to say something to him, Mum said, erm yeah. WHAT Happened Dave?, would you like some tea, Gammon eggs and chips, Mum interrupted before he had chance to answer me. Yes please misses Thomas. You're very welcome, and at that Mum went back to the kitchen to cook our tea. Well?.... what the, what happened to your hair, and why are you dressed like that i said. Has your Dad turned into some kind of strict wierdo to make you get it cut like that. No not my Dad he said. Dad butted in, You both start senior school on Monday, probably thought it was time you grew up a bit, was that it David. No Sir, it was my Grandad (did he just call my Dad, Sir) what the f*** is happening here i thought to myself. What do you mean son.
Oh my God,he's calling him son now. And in a caring manner. Dad only ever called me son when he was telling me off. My Grandad was a captain in the Royal navy and always said that when I start senior school I also had to join the sea cadets, he came round today and took me there to join, then he took me to the school outfitters for my school uniform and stuff. I had to try it all on to make sure it fit properly and with him being an ex navy captain he's quite strict on smartness, he even instructed me on how to fasten my school tie and then it was straight to the barbershop for a haircut. Which barbers did you go to asked my Dad. Butcher Bill's on cable Street 3 doors down from the school uniform shop, he didn't even let me get changed, I was just so glad there was no one else in the barbershop, i felt totally stupid, Butcher Bill says hello to my Grandad then looks at me and says you must be David, i nod and say yeah. Grandad says to me, You start Grammar school on Monday and Cadets on Thursday, when you answer your betters you show some respect and you use the word Sir I'd start remembering that if I were you, now take your blazer off and in the chair theirs a good lad. Then it got even worse.
When he tucked the cape in and then the tissue inside my shirt collar it was that tight I thought I was going to choke but that was just the start of the whole nightmare.
What's he having. He didn't even ask me, what I wanted. Just give him a standard boys navy crew cut but instead of it being the same fairly short length all over, great i thought so I chirped up, can I keep my centre parting and just have the back and sides a bit shorter,I've seen seen some of the cadets and there hair isn't that short at all in fact some of them have quite long hair and just tuck behind their ears.
You're quite right David they do, and I find the whole thing absolutely disgusting, they wouldn't get away with that if I was still in charge there. No David on the contrary you may not. What i was going to say was that instead of the same fairly short length all over, we'll have the top fairly short but we'll have the back and sides clipped short and just blended into the top.
Can you believe it. I mean, how stupid do I look with this haircut. You don't David, honestly, in fact it really suits you my Dad said to him. Oh it gets even worse yet. Butcher Bill puts this guard on the clippers, holds me under my chin, lifts my head up a bit and then runs them from the front of my head all the to the back,he does this about six or seven times, I'm looking in the mirror and within 20 seconds I've got less than half an inch of hair on the top of my head, then he runs them up the back and the sides, the whole thing only took about a minute and a half. and then it got even worse cos a couple
of customers come in and sat down so now I've got an audience as well, and they're just in time to hear Butcher Bill say. How high do you want me to go with the razor, I'm sat there and I'm thinking, WHAT? And then i think oh,he must call the the clippers the razor. And then my Grandad says. I don't want to see any hair showing below his school cap, and as there's a few customers now waiting, it might save some time if you use it as a guide, I've got his school cap here, infact, when I mentioned to the assistant who measured him up for his school uniform that once we were finished there, we were coming here and that he would be getting a propper haircut, he gave me a second cap saying, once he looses that mop, he may drop 2 cap sizes. If he needs the size in-between ,we just need to go back and exchange it. Good idea Bill says, I'll run the clippers high up the back and sides without a guard and then.... The bast, oops sorry Mr Thomas, Realising that he was about to swear in front of my dad,and then Butcher Bill paused and said.. (looking at my Grandad). And theeenn.... We'll see if the cap fits, if you pardon the phun. Him. And my Grandad. And the other customers all had a good laugh and while they're all laughing Butcher Bill's got his hand on top of my head, pushing it right down and i can feel the clippers pressing buzzing and shaving their way up the back of my head and then the same again up and around the sides. I had a straight line of short hair just above the top of my ears going right round my head with no hair below it,
just bristly white skin. He held my head down with my chin pressing against my chest the whole time so i just sat there with my eyes closed but once or twice when I did open them and raised them so I could look in the mirror to see what he was doing, i could also see the four customers sat in the chairs behind me but two where sat to the right of me and two where sat to the left and there was an empty seat between the two pairs. That's wierd i thought cos when they came in it was obvious they knew each other cos they were all sat together chatting with no gap between them, had they split up so they could all get a good view of the torturous haircut ordeal I was being subjected to, but much worse than that, even though they were laughing all the way throughout my ordeal and now and then one of them would repeat the barbers crappie joke of,"if the cap fits". I noticed that all four of them where just constantly staring at me, and that they where actually really enjoying the severe scalping i was receiving at the hands of Brutal Bill, on the few occasions I dared open my eyes to look in the mirror and sneak a peak at them. There they were, all four of them not one of them ever took their eyes off me for a second. How could any other situation be possibly worse than this.I am sitting in a barbers chair, fully caped and unable to move. I felt so isolated and yet unbelievably self conscious at the same time, i didn't know anyone at school who had a short back and sides haircut yet alone a shaved back and sides i felt like crying but i had a feeling that the 4 weirdo's would like that even more, and a bit odd how they started to laugh and snigger at the exact same time he switched the clippers on and the buzzing started, and the laughing stopped at the exact moment he switched them off and the buzzing stopped, probably less than a minute from start to finish. I stuck my arm out from under the cape and felt the bristles on the back and sides off my head, it was like sandpaper. Don't worry about the line I'll blend that in with the clippers, thank you sir I said to him. Can you believe that, i actually said thank you to him for being almost scalped, still, i thought to myself, at the speed he cuts hair i should be out of here in about 2 more minutes. What a nightmare Davey i said to him. I'm nowhere near finished yet he said. Just as I'm thinking it'll be all over soon, my Grandad gets up with the 2 school caps in his hand, he spins the chair round so now my backs to the mirror puts the first one on my head and it drowns me. He puts the second one on and it fits,but I think my longer hair on top might be just sticking out of the bottom a bit but it still needs blending in so I don't really worry about it much. The shop assistant was spot on he says. Well, no hair below my cap i say to him, that's what you wanted isn't it, at that, Grandad and Butcher Bill start laughing and giggling again, so i join in with them, then my Grandad stops laughing and goes quite serious, when I said i don't want to see any hair showing below your cap , i meant exactly that and as he's telling me this i notice Butcher Bill putting some oil on a leather belt then he starts slapping a razor back and forward on it then puts it back on the counter. Then he straghtens my school cap up on my head but then he looks at the bigger one that's resting on the counter so then he takes my cap off and places next to the bigger one and says to my Grandad, did you notice that. Notice What, says my Grandad. Well. The larger one he says as he picks it up and looks inside the lining, is a size 11 and has the word senior printed on the label but the smaller one however, is a size 9 and has the word junior printed on the label, and if we look at the senior cap first, he says as he shows it to the both of us you'll notice that the sides of the cap start level with the peak and then drop down about an inch and then towards the back it drops down another inch again forming that kind of arch shape at the back but if we look at the junior school cap. As well as obviously being 2 sizes smaller it's also a completely different style of cap to the senior one which is extremely unfortunate for young David here considering he was hoping to get away with the equivalent of just a decent trim, today. You see when we look at the junior cap and you don't really have to look that closely to be honest, you'll notice that it starts of the same as the senior cap with the sides at the same level as the peak where they join to it but what they don't do is drop down a good inch at the sides nor does it drop a further at the back, it is in fact completely straight and level with the peak all the way round, if we look at them both on the counter next to each other you can see that the base of the junior cap sits totally flat against the counter all the way round including the peak but the peak of the senior cap is a good inch above the counter and the back of the cap is a good two and a half inches higher than the junior cap. So where's your cap now, come on put it on for me and give us a laugh I said to him, get lost he said, that's in my blazer pocket and it's staying there, it's bad enough being dressed in me school uniform when we're still on our school hols, oh come on Davey just put it on for a minute and give us all a laugh. I'd shut up if I were you Dad said we're going to get your school uniform and stuff tomorrow and i might just make you keep yours on, especially your school cap when we leave the shop
and walk into town, now shut up and let David finish his story, how much more is there anyway i said, just you wait,it gets 10 times worse , I'm not even half way through it yet. Now where was I?. The barber had just pointed to the fact that the senior cap was two and a half inches deeper than the junior cap, yeah, so I'm sat there in the barbers chair all caped up, but now I'm also surrounded by the four customers who've come over to listen to Butcher Bill's lecture and see the difference between a junior and a senior, Grammar school cap. Anyway,,,. The four blokes go and sit back down and Bill puts the cap back on me head but not before he turns the chair round so now I've got my back to the mirror again and I'm facing towards
where Grandad was sitting and where the four old blokes are sat , then i hear the barber quietly say to my Grandad. Now do you see the problem. My Grandad whispers something back to him, they where both standing right behind me but I didn't catch what he says. But I do hear the Butcher again, so nothing outside the cap, completely smooth , that's going to be a good two and a half inches higher and then it needs to be blended and tapered out. Then i hear my Grandad saying as a captain I can't go back on what I said, besides, it will soon grow back. The barber chuckles a little but with quite a heavy sigh says, not by Monday it won't and i get the feeling he's on my side about something.

Part 2 next

---