Iphi by VS Baldy

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Iphi

Iphi is short for Iphigenia. She was my friend Jon’s mom. She was Greek and quite attractive. She was generous but also was known for being no nonsense and strict. She usually picked us up after school and on Fridays to take us to the arcade.

It was late May of 1981 and there were only two weeks of school left. She picked us up and as we were heading to the arcade she announced a quick stop first. This was no surprise, she often took us on errands that often benefitted us. Like the time I got a brand new set of converse sneakers.

Anyway, we pull into a place called "Nicole’s". Looked like a regular house with a small greenhouse attached. Inside we were sat at the kitchen table where "The Young and the Restless" was playing.

Apparently Nicole and Iphi were friends and after a hug they lit up cigs (Iphi smoked Marlboro lights 100 & Nicole smoked Virgina Slim 120’s menthol - the things we remember!). Nicole was also striking, with long black hair in a high pony tail with super short blunt bags. As they chatted they went into the greenhouse and discussed various plants for the summer. That’s when I noticed, adjacent to the kitchen what looked like an in house hair salon.

As they returned to the kitchen I heard Nicole say "No problem Iphi, I can deliver those shrubs next Saturday".
"Thank you Nicole, and I’ll be back next week for a hair cut. Alright boys let’s head out to the arcade. "

As we began to get up and head towards the exit Nicole then said:

"Iphi, while you’re here, what if I give the boys a couple of quick summer buzzcuts?"

Instantly a lump came into my throat. Both Jon and I have mops of hair. Bangs to the nose, well past the ear, curling over the collar. We were going to the arcade, not getting buzzed!

"What do ya say boys? Up for a summer buzz?" Iphi cheerfully asked.

"No thanks" I meekly said.

"F*** no!" objected Jon "buzzcuts are lame!"

Angered and embarrassed by her son’s outburst in public Iphi slapped him hard across the face.

"Oh yes you are young man! How dare you behave this way in front of our friends!?"

"Mom! No one gets buzzcuts! This is bull s**t !"

Iphi, now visibly enraged, grabbed Jon by the hair on his nape and dragged him into the living room next to the kitchen. There we heard her screaming at him in Greek while spanking him mercilessly.

It was a bit awkward in the kitchen. Nicole goes over to her barber chair, lights another cigarette, keeping it the corner of her mouth, with a gently tilt of the head beckons me to the chair. With wobbly legs, as if under a spell, I reluctantly sat in the chair.

She quickly caped me, plugged in her clippers and then began to peel away my hair to the sound of spanking, screaming and crying.
Starting in the center of the forehead she mowed the hair down. Although not cruel, she was very stern in her passes with the clippers. Cig in the corner of her mouth the entire time, the smell on her long fingers have stayed with me since. Pressing down on the ear, she made quick work of my side, and then to the other side and then the back.

Not sure the guard number, but my hair was about an inch all over. She was dusting me off when Iphi returned. She lit up a cigarette and came over to us.

"Ooh, this is nice! But can we taper the back and sides and make the top shorter?"

"Sure thing." Said Nicole. Who switched guards and then went to work giving me a bald fade. Then she peeled the top down to about a quarter of an inch. "Ok honey, we’re down for now" she said as she pulled off the cutting cape. Stunned, I made my way back to the kitchen table. A dish soap commercial was on.

About this time Jon had composed himself and returned to the kitchen.

"Young man, you have something to say?" Iphi prompted Jon

"I’m sorry I behaved like that."

"And, and?" Iphi prompted again.

"Miss Nicole, may I get a summer buzz cut?"

"Sure honey, hop on up" said Nicole, lighting up another Virginia Slim 120. As she was caping him, a sinister smile came to Iphi, taking another drag from her cig, she exhaled and said at the same time:
"Since Jon was so bad today, no buzz cut. Bald him."

"Wait! What?" A scared Jon cried out.

"Yes, Nicole, please shave him bald."

"Mom!"

"If I have to take off my belt and whip you raw in front of everyone I will" Iphi icily said "Now ask Miss Nicole to shave your head."

Defeated, Jon meekly said, "Miss Nicole, please shave my head."

"You got it sugar." Nicole said. Then, planting her cig in the corner of her mouth, balding clippers turned on, she methodically peeled away Jon’s hair to the wood. Starting in the center of the forehead, strip after strip until Jon was balded. Thinking he was done, he began to get up. "Not yet honey, gonna get this right. " said Nicole. Who then lathered up his head with shave cream and then thoroughly balded him. Of course a second pass against the grain as he quietly sobbed in the chair. She then, with a soft cloth even buffed his head to shine.

Iphi got up to inspect. "Oooh Nicole this is nice. I think we got a new style for our young man! Now what do you say?"

"Thank you Miss Nicole" Jon meekly said.

"For?" Urged Iphi

"For shaving me bald."

"Anytime honey" said Nicole putting out her cig. Then releasing him from the chair we began to make our way out. When Nicole interrupted: "seems unfair to be the only baldy, let’s bald the other kid!"

"Good idea! Hop back to that chair mister!" Iphi commanded. "I think we have a new Friday routine!"

"For sure!" Said Nicole.

More cigarettes were lit, the soap opera played on and I was shaved bald.

My parents loved it and so began my life as a baldy.

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