Growth: Part 4 by Jamiesstories2

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A/N: Sorry for the shorter (normal-length) chapter this time, but curating a mood and theme is more important, I promise.

This is the continuation of Growth. Please read the previous parts before reading this.

Growth: Part 4

Alex knew what had to happen. He’d read enough books and watched enough movies. He knew that he would only get somewhere good with Dan if he opened his mouth. Yet, knowing and doing were two different things.

Alex, truthfully, hated the idea of Dan going to graduate school. Even the inkling of the thought that Dan would find something more appealing than education mystified Alex, who had fought tooth and nail with his parents every step of the way to receive even a shred of approval for his current path. It didn’t help that Dan was applying to plenty of graduate schools outside of their current city, which meant that their future was to inevitably include the bane of every relationship: long distance.

And then there was the hair thing. Alex knew Dan wouldn’t cut his hair without asking again, but it still seemed to sit between them in this odd, unspoken way. Both knew that things would be more exciting for Alex in the bedroom if hair was somehow involved, but every time Dan so much as touched Alex’s hair, Alex could not help but flinch, only causing Dan to emanate a greater aura of guilt, confusion, and fear than usual. An aura Alex could feel from a mile away.

But opening his mouth was even harder for Alex when the day-to-day was so…easy. There was laughing, and flirting, and date nights, and sex, lots of it. And as long as Alex didn’t think about all the big things, it was easy to relax and enjoy each day as its own separate entity. Why, the anxious half of Alex’s brain asked, ruin all the fun things for some petty issues? Surely, surely, they would solve themselves as time had its way with the pair.

And so, that night was a characteristically easy night. A Friday. Although the men were both excited to meet, they were drained too, from a long week of work. Dinner, an episode of the TV show they’d started to watch together, and, now, cuddling on the couch. About halfway through the episode, Dan had begun to play with Alex’s growing-out hair. This had caused a spike of anxiety in Alex, before he reminded himself that Dan was not going to secretly cut his hair. There were no scissors nearby, anyway. Alex allowed himself to give into the sensation of warm fingers gently brushing along his scalp, and now that TV had turned to quiet, Alex was nearly asleep on Dan’s chest.

"Hey, Alex," Dan started, "Can I ask you something?"

Alex woke slightly from his trance.

"Mhm?"

"Have you ever been in a serious relationship before?" Dan asked, "Like I know we’ve talked about past people, but, serious, serious?"

Alex could only blush at his inexperience.

"N-No," He mumbled out, "At least, you’re the first person I’ve ever loved."

The air practically turned to solid mass around the pair, and whatever sleep was toying with Alex promptly scuttled away.

Oh. Right. There was also that. On Valentines day, Alex had decided it was time to say it--those three words that had been on his mind for months at that point. I love you. Dan did not say those three words back.

This was fine, Alex knew. Relationships and feelings moved at different speeds for different people, and it wasn’t like they were always going to be in the same place at the same time. But something that, in Alex’s mind, merited a conversation, clearly did not for Dan. At the time, Dan had told Alex that he had feelings, but didn’t feel ready to say that specific phrase. Alex bubbled up with questions. Why didn’t he feel ready? What were they to do from here? But emotion filled his mouth instead and the questions never came. And while Alex was processing, Dan just… moved on.

The words had left Alex’s mouth, though, and they were not going back in, so, in an effort to make Dan more comfortable, Alex decided he would continue to say them.

No response.

Alex realized he knew similarly little about Dan’s history, he’d certainly never talked about any ex’s.

"What about you?" Alex asked.

"This is my first serious relationship, too," Dan replied, "You found yourself with a little bit of a playboy, I’m not going to lie. I’m still getting used to… commitment."

Alex’s mind ran back to long distance once again. He wondered how it would work with Dan, especially while the man was ‘still getting used to commitment,’ as he put it. Silence fell between the two once again as Dan played with Alex’s hair, but Alex knew it would now be a while before he managed to fall asleep once again.

XXXXX

The good between the awkward, though, made up for it all. Like dates. Like today.

After Alex’s roommates had left the house, he heard a knock on the door, and opened it to Dan’s smiling face.

"Hey, just give me a second to get my shoes on," Alex greeted his partner.

"No rush," Dan replied, taking a few steps into the apartment, "trust me, nobody’ll be there on a Tuesday morning."

The virtue of teaching in a public school, Alex found, was that the breaks didn’t have to align with religious holidays, so their spring break was scheduled at the end of the third quarter rather than at the same time as Easter. This relatively uncommon time meant that all the typically crowded spots were empty, open for some (mild) PDA. Alex slipped on some shoes, grabbed a water bottle, and he was ready to go.

When Dan had discovered Alex had never been to their local arboretum, he insisted spring break was the perfect opportunity. And Alex, never to say no to some idyllic time with his boyfriend, readily agreed. This is how Alex ended up in Dan’s car, on a Tuesday morning, ready for the perfect picnic.

Dan drove and parked a bit of a walk away from the actual gardens, mostly to save himself the money of a meter. On the walk over, Alex gushed about the latest book he was reading, a topic that it would take all day for him to exhaust, but when Alex stopped to take a breath, Dan took the opportunity to speak.

"Alex, I have something I wanted to let you know."

Alex noticed Dan’s more serious tone.

"What’s going on?"

"Well, today is the day I’m supposed to hear back from Chicago, so I may be in two places at once."

Wait, Chicago? Did Alex hear that right?

"Chicago?"

"It has my favorite graduate program out of everywhere I applied."

"I didn’t even know you applied to school in Chicago."

Alex suddenly felt hurt, the sun didn’t seem to shine as brightly. Dan looked away, trying to avoid a discussion he readily did not want to have.

"Well, I did. I find out today…" Dan trailed off, and an uncomfortable silence took the place of his announcement.

As they approached the arboretum, light glinted over a small pond and plush pink petals from Dogwood trees in bloom fell all over. The pair took hold of scraps of conversation, only to watch them blow away again. Eventually, they gave into silence as Alex laid out the blanket they’d brought.

"Here it is," Dan announced, but with less vigor, and more ironic twinge.

It really was beautiful, Alex had to admit, but everything just felt slightly off. Alex laid down, head on Dan’s chest, but it felt less like a relaxed, affectionate gesture and more like a desperate attempt to grab onto the grains of sand quickly slipping through his fingers. Dan reached out and began to stroke Alex’s hair, as it was loose in its full glory. Alex mentally willed himself, as he did every time, to just let it happen, and after a while he managed to relax. He let slip from his mind who, exactly, it was touching his hair and how soon they might leave the city that the pair now shared.

This was good. This was nice.

Pale pink filled Alex’s blurry vision, as he let the heaviness in his eyelids take over, yet he was soon roused with a start of his lover’s chest beneath him. Alex sat up, giving Dan the room to do the same, and Dan reached for his phone that he had slipped beneath his leg.

"I felt it buzz," Dan explained, and suddenly Alex, too, was invested, caught up in the drama of the whole thing.

"Is it Chicago?"

"Yeah…" Dan tapped his phone screen a few times, "an email from them. ‘Your application status has changed,’" he narrated. After more tapping and furious typing, Dan gave the metal box an impatient glare.

"I logged in," he explained, "it’s loading."

Then, suddenly, his expression changed: first shock, then excitement.

"Congratulations! We are pleased to offer you admission to the Masters Program in Biochemistry and Molecular Biophysics!" Dan screamed, jumping up from his sitting position.

Alex turned to look at him, legitimately happy to witness his partner’s excitement, forgetting, for a simple moment, what this would mean.

"Congratulations, Dan! You’ve earned it." Dan looked at Alex and then leaped forward to hug and kiss him.

"You’re the best boyfriend ever. I-I love you Alex"

What? No, no, no, Alex’s brain protested. This was all wrong! How on Earth could Dan only say, for the first time, he loved Alex when he knew he was leaving?

A hurricane, hot and cold pressure brewing together, grew inside the man. Was he happy Dan loved him? Dan could finally say it? Yes. Obviously. He would’ve jumped for joy in that moment if it wasn’t for the damn sense of impending doom that was quickly rising in him. Dan was leaving. And Chicago was a long way away.

Alex rubbed Dan’s shoulder.

"I love you too," He choked out, not knowing how to even start the conversation brewing in his chest, "Let’s make the best of the rest of your time here."

"Is this your way of telling me you want to go back to falling asleep on me under the cover of gorgeous flowers?" Dan asked, a cheeky grin painted across his face.

This wasn’t the right time, Alex told himself. What the right time was, however, he did not know, so instead he simply chose to match Dan’s energy with an equally cheeky reply.

"That’s not not what I was saying…"

He was becoming better at that.

"Just don’t forget who had this amazing date idea," Dan suggested. And Alex could only snort in reply. He tried to return to his relaxed position from earlier, but the thought entered his mind, there would come a time, soon, where he wouldn’t be able to lie on Dan like this anymore. God, Chicago was a long way away.

XXXXX

The next months flew by in a blur. After returning from spring break, it was less than two months before Alex was writing his class’s final exam, and even less time before he actually proctored it. In the blink of an eye, it was August, and suddenly he and Dan were sitting on the couch looking through Zillow for acceptable apartment options. As it turns out, rent for a grad student in Chicago is not cheap.

"What about this one?" Dan asked, turning the laptop towards Alex, "it’s not even $2,000 a month, that’s not bad."

Alex, truthfully, was getting quite tired of the Chicago talk, although there was almost never an occasion when Alex was not getting tired of Chicago talk.

"Dan," Alex said, pushing the laptop screen away, "I need to ask you something."

"Of course," Dan replied, sensing Alex was in the mood for seriousness.

"How are we going to do this when you leave?"

"How are we going to do this…?" Dan trailed off, sounding as if he hadn’t even considered the possibility of his relationship existing when he moved to Chicago, "I guess we’ll just go long distance," he suggested, sounding unconvinced.

"Okay," Alex replied, "I just want to make sure we think about these things, I kinda want to keep this going, even if you leave…"

"As do I!" Dan assured, "I just hadn’t really considered it…"

"Well, yeah, okay, long distance."

"Yeah, we can FaceTime, or something…"

XXXXX

And so that’s how it was. Dan left for Chicago, and suddenly Alex’s life shifted. They video called often, heard each other’s voice almost every day, but Alex missed Dan. Alex missed his touch, his chest, his presence in meetings and at school, comforting and strong. Alex had Ben, of course, for emotional support, but while Ben felt like a second (gay this time) older brother, Dan had felt like a romantic partner, a love interest, in a way Ben just didn’t.

There were other things that had changed at school as well. Alex started to feel more confident in his teaching abilities, and returning for a second school year was much easier than being new. Although Brendon was as, well, Brendon as ever, Alex was slowly becoming more used to him, in a similar way to how he was able to tune out his dad. The loss of Dan in the workplace was sad, but, as Alex discovered overtime, not the end of the world.

Alex was, at this point, just counting down the days until UChicago went on winter break and Dan came back to stay with him. Alex had wanted to go up for Thanksgiving, but Dan had told him to stay with his family instead, insisting he, "would probably be too busy anyway."

Alex had thought that any second he spent with Dan was more than nothing, but Dan’s philosophy was different, being judicious about holidays; so that’s how it came to be: Alex, counting down the days until winter. Or that’s how it was, until December 2nd.

XXXXX

They had decided to video call tonight, so Alex was on his bed with his laptop in front of him, sporting the incredibly sexy look of… pajamas. Dan picked up the call sitting in his living room, looking tired, but ruggedly so.

"Hi, you," Dan said, giving Alex his cheekiest smirk.

"Dan, it’s good to see your face."

"You too, baby," Dan replied, propping his phone up so he could sit back on his couch, "I didn’t realize how long your hair was getting."

Alex blushed and ran his hands nervously through his mane, Dan’s comments used to excite him, but after last winter they’d started to feel more and more like Brendon’s.

"Yeah, it’s growing back out."

"That’s one thing I miss about being near you-- don’t get to play with your beautiful hair anymore…" Dan said.

Alex wanted to curl into a ball until he imploded on himself, but he knew Dan was having fun so he didn’t stop it.

"Well, uh, over winter break?" Alex suggested quietly.

But at the suggestion Dan’s face turned slightly more serious,

"Yeah, so, about winter break…"

"Dan, don’t do this, please don’t say what you’re about to say."

"I can’t come visit."

Alex felt a wave of sadness followed by anger.

"Why?" He demanded. F*** caution, he thought, shutting down the anxiety ridden half of his brain in a single instant. The good was no longer greater than the bad, and Alex knew the dam was about to break.

"Alex, I got a great opportunity to do some research here! You know it’s part of my requirements that I do a certain amount of research."

"You can’t even take two days off? I can come see you!" Alex searched for an answer in desperation.

"No, Alex, I need to show that I’m a good worker, a hard worker. I was talking to my advisor, he said he can connect me to a bunch of jobs here in Chicago after I graduate. He really likes me, I don’t want to mess that up."

Did- Did Dan just say jobs in Chicago?

"What do you mean, jobs in Chicago?" Alex asked, dreading the answer.

"Oh, Alex, don’t be like that. I just like my life in Chicago right now, and all of my connections are going to be here. I moved to Chicago with the thought that I’d spend the rest of my foreseeable future here. I guess, I don’t know, I thought you’d move here, too."

"Why do I have to move there? I love my life here!" Alex retorted, "As much as you hated teaching, I love my job and our school. Besides, I have friends here; I love the community here…I always thought you would move back when grad school was over."

"Well, we’re at a bit of an impasse, aren’t we?" Dan said, after a long pause.

Alex wanted to cry.

"Dan, I’m not moving to Chicago."

"And I’m not moving back."

Neither of them said it, but everyone knows you can’t do long distance forever.

"Goodbye, Alex."

"Bye, Dan." Alex said. As soon as he ended the video call, he felt the dam behind his tear ducts collapse.

XXXXX

Alex needed water, and to wash his face. He hated the puffiness and sticky tracks of drying tears.

He walked to the bathroom first, there was no way he was going to be able to hide the fact that he had been crying, but an attempt was better than nothing. He held his hair back with one hand while he used the other to splash his face with some cool water. The water felt good, but he knew that it was, frankly, useless, seeing as he was probably just going to go back to his room and cry some more.

He stood up from his position over the sink and stared at his reflection in the mirror. Maybe if he hadn’t been so pushy about his hair, maybe if he’d just let Dan go at it. Alex pawed at his locks, contemplating how this all could’ve gone down differently if he’d just let the man cut his hair the way he’d wanted all along.

Alex searched the vanity below the sink, but couldn’t find what he was looking for, so he decided to give in to being discovered by his roommates and walked to the kitchen. It was empty, however, so he walked over to the knife rack in the corner and grabbed the kitchen scissors from it.

He was going to do what he should’ve done a long, long time ago, and make his life easier. For once.

When he turned around, however, he was met with Jeff standing in the doorway, eyes looking at the scissors, at Alex’s face, and back at the scissors once again.

Alex suddenly couldn’t move.

"You look like you’re planning to murder me with those," Jeff said, smiling.

He was clearly cognizant of Alex’s tear-stained face, but wanted to make the man smile.

Alex took a deep breath, preparing to explain to Jeff, semi-calmly, that Dan and he had ended things, and he was about to make the very rational decision to chop off all his hair in a fit of rage and desperation, but, instead he could only let out a shaky exhale, unable to speak. Jeff walked over and took the scissors from Alex’s hand.

"What are we planning to do with these exactly?"

Alex opened his mouth to speak, but, again, no words came out.

"Let me guess," Jeff continued, understanding now that Alex was nonverbal, "You’re planning to cut all your hair off, because that is somehow going to change whatever just happened."

Jeff smiled once again at Alex, allowing the man a moment to process his words. Jeff reached around him then, and set the scissors on the counter behind him, then placed a hand on Alex’s shoulder and slowly guided him back to his bedroom.

"Don’t do something you’re going to regret, Alex," Jeff finished his speech as he led Alex to his bed, at this point identifying, to some degree, what had happened, "sometimes, things just don’t work out."

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