By the Chains that Bind Thee (Part 12) by Fantasy Weaver

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To those who have still stuck around for the long run, this is it. The final chapter. As stated in part eleven, this is a conclusion to the events of the story, and with chapters 6 through 11 being dedicated to Shay's hair, I think a full, longer chapter to put things to rest is well-deserved. This is also a bit of a tear-jerker, so do keep the tissues nearby.

Unfortunately, this chapter had to be split in two because of the character limit, so this part and the next are meant to be read as one.

Final part of "By the Chains that Bind Thee". Please read the previous parts for context.

-Fantasy Weaver.


Note

1: Some foul language ahead

2: Some adult content ahead

By the Chains that Bind Thee

Part Twelve - End

XXXXX

Blinding pain.

Terrible, deafening ringing.

The feeling of his flesh melting off his bones.

The sensation of choking chains, of golden threads around his burning body.

The repeated, psychotic, wrathful words echoing over and over and over again:

‘ABANDON THY FUTILE FIGHT. NONE SHALT SAVE THINE SOUL FROM MY FIRES.’

Shay bolted upright, a terrified gasp exiting his mouth.

The scarring images of his memories turned nightmare retreated to the dark corners of his mind. His right hand came to rest against his unevenly beating heart. Breathing slowly took longer than he would care to admit. Every pant that entered and left his lungs seared his throat, had his head spinning.

Just a nightmare.

That’s all it was.

He could still feel it though. The initiation…how it nearly killed him.

His left hand came to cover his eyes, his face, slid to his mouth in one long, tired motion. Eyelids parted. The last thing he recalled before those fretful visions was Eleos beside him. Scanning the space around him, Shay concluded that, sometime after the Dark Mage had finished shaving him, and when they had lain beside one another, he must have fallen asleep.

The room around him was the same he had first woken up in. The fireplace crackled softly, with only a few logs and embers smoldering away to keep the chill and humidity of the cavern at bay. The bed beneath him was still just as uncomfortable, and the vined curtain at the entrance to the cave lay before him, at the right most end of the space. He looked down at himself. Eleos must have slipped his sleeping robe back on during his sleep, tucked him in after-

Yes. That’s right. He slowly lifted his hands, let them hover over his head for a moment. Nothing. Around him, there was not a single hint of his former mane. Swallowing hard, Shay let his palms collide with his scalp. Nothing could prepare him for the texture that met his fingertips, even when he already knew what to expect. He shivered.

Unnerved by the feeling, his hands retreated to his sides.

"…should have waited before doing that to him…"

The echoes of a whispered conversation floated from the vines at the entrance to Shay’s ears. Was that Oras’ voice he could hear? Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he lifted the covers. The young mage swung his legs over the side of the bed and made to stand.

He had to catch himself on the chair by his bedside when he stood up. The world spun a bit before stabilizing. It would seem the strength in his legs was returning bit by bit, though they still shook when he put his weight on them. His feet dug into the uneven cavern ground, fighting for balance. The robe on his body was only held there by a loose cord, though he couldn’t be bothered to tighten it, not when his ears continued to pick up on the voices outside his room.

There were two voices now, one he knew all too well.

"We couldn’t wait. Shay’s hair needed to go."

Eleos.

Softly, to avoid tripping on his own two clumsy feet, Shay edged along the cavern wall, positioning himself just by the entrance. Beyond the curtained vines, he could see dancing shadows cast by a torch. Oras and Eleos were talking just a few feet ahead.

‘Talking about me’. Again. He had a feeling this would not be the last private discussion about him. He couldn’t be mad though. They probably thought he was sleeping.

Oras, who was trying to keep his voice low, whispered angrily. "Funny that you should talk about not having the time to wait when you clearly took a f*****g long time to shave him."

Shay kept quiet, but against the wall, he scowled.

Eleos’ strained voice cut through quickly, "Would you have rather I do it quickly and painfully? Do not speak to me like that. You didn’t have to shave your hair. I did. Shay did. Many of us did. You do not know of the pain it can cause."

"I do know!" Oras’ nearly shouted, and Shay cringed in his hiding spot. When his friend spoke next though, his voice had returned to a whisper. "I know because I’ve seen it. Just because I’ve never felt it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t show concern for my friend. I’m lucky I didn’t have to do that stuff. Leena made damn sure I cleansed myself of Synn’s influence in other ways and for that I’m grateful. But don’t you dare tell me I don’t know what shaving your hair is like. I’m a Mage of Stars as much as you are."

Shay listened intently. Oras didn’t have to shave his head? What were these other methods by which he had cleansed himself? If Eleos hadn’t mentioned them, then…perhaps they wouldn’t have been effective on him anyway.

"It’s done now. So, there’s no need for you to worry any more-"

"That’s not the problem, Eleos!" Shay stayed still by the wall, lips turned downward, brows furrowed as the discussion began to become louder. "You were supposed to make sure Shay was safe! And what did you do? Huh?"

Eleos’ voice was full of restraint when he said, "I did my best to make this experience as least traumatizing as possible."

"Oh, f*** off, Eleos. You know as well as I do that me and the girls have our limits. You know what Leena said when Shay was recovering: that we could keep the barrier up around the spring for three hours. Three hours! And what did you do!?"

The shadows flickered, and scuffling resounded in the caverns. Shay couldn’t be sure, but it sounded like Oras had pushed or collided into Eleos. The young mage hugged his arms around himself, suddenly wanting to head back to bed and cover his ears.

"I asked you if you could keep the barrier up longer. You said you could," Eleos murmured.

"Yeah, for maybe two hours. Not three. Not four! TWO, you dense demi-god!" Oras went on, unrelenting, "We have limits to our magic! Hyacintha almost collapsed trying to keep the barrier up with us! I tried to talk to you through our link, but you shut your mind like it was no big deal! Hyacintha told me she tried to warn you about her magic reserves. But no. No, you couldn’t hear s**t beyond whatever f*****g sounds Shay was probably making in the spring with you."

"Don’t you talk about Shay that way. I gave him something far better than an agonizing shearing. That is, until the barrier broke!"

"And whose fault is that, huh!?" More shuffling, the sound of something heavy colliding with the stone walls. "I just said we were trying to warn you and you weren’t LISTENING!"

"I thought I could trust you to keep the barrier up! I thought you would be smart enough to relay with the other mages if necessary, but Hyacintha, as usual, kept her suffering to herself until the last minute, and neither you nor Leena asked her at any point if she needed a boost! You three know each other well enough by now to know when you need to recover, and the ONE time I needed you to be independent, you can’t even do that!"

The conversation was no longer a whispered one. Both Oras and Eleos were now shouting at each other, flinging insults and accusations. ‘Because of me’ Shay thought miserably, head bowing silently towards the floor.

"We were trying to reach out to you, Eleos! Why can’t you understand that!"

"Shay almost DIED!"

Those last words reverberated in the halls in the silence that followed.

Eleos’ voice was a broken cry when he spoke again, "Shay got possessed by Synn! And it’s my fault! Are you happy Oras? Is that what you wish to hear? Shay almost died because of MY incompetence, because I shut myself out, and nothing else. He almost…"

A heavy sigh. "Sh*t, Eleos, that’s not what I meant. It’s not just you. All of us were tired and on edge, we weren’t communicating like we would normally." Shay hugged his arms to himself, willing himself to keep quiet, to not let his emotions get the better of him. Oras gave an agitated sigh. "Look a lot of things happened, I just wanted to make you understand that it wasn’t just me, or Leena or Hyacintha’s fault. All the mages saw what was going on, we all knew what was happening and none of us-"

Shay clapped a hand over his mouth, curling into himself against the wall.

The shadows flickered again, melded together. Oras and Eleos were embracing each other.

"I’m so sorry, Oras, I never meant for Shay to- I never wanted him-"

"F***, just…I’m just happy he’s still-"

Oras’s words were cut off by a deep, guttural sob.

Shay slid all the way down to the floor. In the dark of his room, without the two men knowing, he wept with them in silence.

XXXXX

"Here."

Shay looked at the offered package. "What’s this?"

It had been a long three days since Eleos had shaved his head. The two of them were sitting together on the rock-hard cot Shay called his bed in his recovery room. He’d slept for the most of those three days, body slowly regaining its strength over that time. He still felt somewhat weak though, in a way he never had before. No doubt being unable to attune with his magic was what caused this odd, heavy sensation. He wouldn’t say he used magic as a crutch before, but the decided emptiness of mind and stillness of flow in his arcane pathways certainly was hard to ignore.

Eleos was beside him to his right, wearing his hair in a half-ponytail adorned with large gold beads that matched his eyes. Shay looked into those golden irises now, still thinking about the conversation he had overheard between the Dark Mage and Oras. Eleos hadn’t voiced any concerns or opened up more than he had at the spring. Shay knew, from his own experience, how hard it might be to talk about those things. Part of him desperately wanted Eleos to speak with him, if it was causing him such anguish, and his heart constricted whenever the man was near him. Even now.

Perhaps in time. For now, he took the parchment-wrapped package in his hands. Eleos wound an arm around his waist as he freed his hands, warm hand resting at his hip. The young mage weighed the wrapped bundle. It felt flexible.

"Open it," Eleos prompted gently.

Shay lifted a singular white brow. Automatically, his left hand went to push a lock of hair behind his ears, but instead his fingers found nothing but smooth skin there. ‘Right, I have to stop doing that.’ Shaking his head, he unfolded the many layers of brown paper.

A black cloth met his eyes. He scowled, fingering the material. Clothing? Or a blanket perhaps. It was as he was touching it that a jolt of recognition slammed into him. "Is this…" He unfolded the cloth, searching for what he knew he would find-

A black, gold-lined, four-pointed star.

"You’re a Mage of Stars now, so you’ll need this" Eleos said, eyes taking in his lover’s reaction.

Shay looked at the other. Eleos was wearing the usual dark clothing the young mage had always known him to wear, though the mage clothing was more on the casual side. It certainly wasn’t his woollen kilts or soft linen shirts, but the more laid-back arcane clothing fit him well. To think he would start wearing that too. He gave a half-smile. "I didn’t think the Circle of Stars took their image so seriously."

Eleos laughed at his attempt at humor. "It’s not about the image. Here, look-"

Eleos took the cloak from his hands and laid it on their shoulders like a blanket. Shay was about to ask what he was doing, when a small surge of magic came from the man. The cloak suddenly rippled around them, became invisible. Wherever the fabric draped over him, Shay’s body also vanished from sight.

"A cloak that turns invisible? Eleos, I’m not fledgling, I know what these are."

"Ah, but this cloak is a little more special than that," the handsome man lilted, smiling cryptically. "Invisibility cloaks usually only make one’s visual presence disappear. This one, when closed completely around your body will render your presence intangible even to touch or sound. It brings your physical body to a half-dimension, one in which you can still see this one, but cannot be detected from."

Shay touched the rippling fabric, pulling it from their bodies in awe. Such artifacts were rare, even in the SunWoven…

He pushed the thought aside. "Is this how you and the other Mages go undetected for so long?"

Eleos nodded. The tiny wave of magic ceased, and the cloak became black again. "You’ll need to attune to the cloak to be able to use it though."

Shay’s lips turned down in displeasure. He hadn’t tried to summon his magic in the three days since his shearing. He couldn’t feel it at all, not even a linger, a hint or a ripple to say it was there. "I would have to start by getting into touch with my magic again before even thinking about attuning to the cloak."

From his left, the handsome mage gave him a tentative, almost forced smile. "Well, maybe we can think about that after you’ve washed up. Three days in bed without a bath probably isn’t helping your arcane pathways."

Shay scrunched his nose up. "I’d say it isn’t helping in a lot of other ways too. Do I smell?"

Eleos snorted, bringing his lips to the top of his head. Shay shivered at the touch, blushing slightly. "Come. I think you’ve stayed long enough in this barrier room."

Eleos led him out of the cavernous room by the vined entrance, and after going through a few dimly lit passageways, they arrived in the actual base of operations for the Circle of Stars. A large natural cavern, teeming with dozens of mages, with that same illusion of the night sky as in the sacred spring’s room, illuminated the immense ceiling. Glowing flora bloomed in every corner and crevice, and the floors were polished marble tile. Different levels were separated by carved staircases and accessible via different means of transportation, from pulley systems to teleportation circles engraved in the walls and floors. It was labyrinthine, very much the opposite of the subdued, yet grand architecture of the SunWoven Order, and yet there was an organisation in the different balconies and paths.

Blues and deep purples with gold and silver detail prevailed in murals. Crystalline statues and frescoes occupied many of the spaces. Many of them depicted a woman with flowing ebony hair and pale white skin on a background of painted stars.

Shay stopped under a domed archway. The ceiling of the cavern here was painted with a scintillating mural depicting her. Musuni. He recalled the vision he had, of that large ethereal being whose hair flowed around her and held him in her gigantic palm.

"Are you coming, little apprentice?"

Shay shook himself from his musings, head bowing to find Eleos standing, waiting for him a few feet away. Two mages, a man and a woman, passed by them, sporting long hair in dark brown and mahogany tones. They gave him a passing glance, and Shay became a little self-conscious. His sleeping robe certainly wasn’t what he wanted to be caught walking in, but they didn’t seem to mind.

In the back of his mind, he registered their hair color. Not black. He had to stop assuming the mages here would all look like Eleos; that they would all look like each other. One among many, as he used to be.

‘I’m no longer part of them’ Shay’s mind reminded him. The SunWoven Order is no longer his home or family. "Coming…" he muttered as he followed behind his lover.

Eleos led them further, into winding caverns lit with glowing crystals and housing beautiful plant life. Eventually, a curtain of flowering vines blocked a small entrance, quite similar to the ones Shay had on his old recovery room.

Eleos seemed to hesitate for a moment by the vines, golden eyes casting unreadable glances Shay’s way. "This place is…my sleeping quarters."

The young man’s colorless eyes widened. Heat on his cheeks indicated he was no doubt flushing at the implications of what Eleos was saying, of where he had led them. "O-oh? Do you, um, is there a room nearby I can sleep or bathe in or…?"

At his nervous stammer, the other simply smiled, perfect teeth showing behind full lips. "You can bathe in my pool. And you may…sleep in here. If you wish it."

Oh, he wished a lot of things right now. He wished he could force the furious blush down, for one. After everything they had shared in the sacred spring, sleeping together seemed far less intimidating or embarrassing, and yet, here he was, a mess at the thought of sharing the same cot. His voice was meek, though affirmative, when he finally managed to say something. "Y-yes. Of course. I would like that."

The inside of Eleos’ sleeping chambers was, well, more modest than Shay would have thought. Was this not a demi-god? The leader of the Circle of Stars? And yet, the room was no bigger than the one Shay had been sleeping in up until now. Granted, it looked better, with the colorful glow of different crystals and sweet-smelling blooms. The furnishings were simple too: a bed just large enough for two with clean, black and white bedsheets and a few pillows, a wooden chest to the side and a padded lounging chair by the fireplace. There were rugs thrown over much of the floor, and a few little knick-knacks by the bed, but otherwise, the room was bare - or overgrown with plants.

On the left-hand side of the natural cavern, a small spring fed into a tiny pool. The waters here didn’t glow nor were they turquoise like in the sacred spring. In fact, arcane sigils were carved around the perimeter, a heat circle, to warm the water flowing into the pool. The steamy surface called out to Shay, had him wandering over to it unconsciously.

Eleos followed quietly behind him. "Do you wish to have some privacy?"

Shay paused, mid-motion taking his sleeping robe off. He hadn’t thought twice about undressing, but now…he wasn’t so sure. He enjoyed Eleos’ company, and his calming presence, but some time alone, to think, would be welcomed. Any time he hadn’t been asleep, Eleos or Oras or any number of mages had been by his side. He hadn’t had a moment alone for far too long.

He turned, giving Eleos an apologetic smile. "I think I’ll bathe by myself this time."

Bless the man, he didn’t question him. "Alright. I’ll see if I cannot find you something more suitable to wear. Is that alright?"

"Yes, thank you." He let the robe fall away, unashamed to be naked in front of his lover. He didn’t miss the appreciative glance the Dark Mage made over his body.

Soon enough, Eleos left him in his room. The steamy water called to Shay now, and without an ounce of resistance, he sank into the shallow pool, groaning in relief as the warmth embraced him. For a few minutes, he allowed himself to relax in the water. He took a moment to find the cleansing oils, soaps and shampoos by the edge of the pool Eleos no doubt kept there to tend to his own needs and used them to clean himself.

He nearly forgot about his lack of hair, and when his hands, slicked with shampoo, came to meet with his scalp, he nearly cried out. Panting once, he urged his heart to slow its rhythm. Heaven’s that was good…oddly good. Even without his hair, slicking the suds over his head was an exhilarating feeling. It would take some getting used to.

His scalp was still extremely smooth. Eleos had mentioned during the last three days that it would take a little longer for his hair to grow back that any normal person. A week to a few months perhaps, depending on how quickly he reconnects with his magic. Attuning to something else, like a wand, might help speed the process up, as directing his arcane pathways away from his hair would result in it growing normally, like any other mundane head of hair. But that was still a work in progress.

He dried himself off after his bath, just as Eleos returned with some clothes for him to wear. He was barely conscious of what the handsome man was saying, too preoccupied with the sight he had failed to noticed when he had entered the room.

A small oval mirror sat on a natural rock shelf by the pool. No doubt Eleos had put it there to help with brushing his hair and making those elaborate braids of his…

Shay stared into the reflection, colorless eyes staring at his pale, bare scalp, and the stark whiteness of his eyebrows, his eyelashes.

He could hardly recognize himself.

XXXXX

"AH!"

His scream ripped through his throat as the nightmare, of fire and blazing sunlight, crawled back into his subconscious, but Shay continued to scream anyway, grasping at his head, his arms, writhing upright in bed-

"Shay, shh, it’s alright, it was just a dream!"

Warmth. A hard, tender embrace. The feel of soft raven hair tickling his skin. Soft kisses to his temples, a soothing hand caressing slow circles on his back.

He sobbed. "Eleos…"

"It’s alright, I’m here, I won’t let you go…"

Hours spent crying in the middle of the night, only succumbing to fretful sleep after being lulled by Eleos’ low voice.

XXXXX

"Come on, Shay, I know you can do it."

He closed his eyes for the twentieth, fiftieth time. Nothing. The crystal orb in his hand did not respond. His pathways stayed eerily silent.

Puffing out a tired sigh, Shay gave Oras a defeated look. "Can we take a break?"

Two weeks had flown by so quickly already. Shay was fully integrated into the workings of the Circle of Stars, if one wanted to call it that. Around eighty percent of the Cricle of Stars were just ordinary, everyday people that found community and safety within the Circle. Mages, like Oras, Hyacintha, Leena and Eleos were often out, spying on the various mage Orders or finding and rescuing people and mages alike to bring them into the Circle, away from evil influences. Shay fell into a sort of gray zone; he’s a mage, but without a focus or access to his magic, he was as good as a mundane human. Besides, Eleos had made it clear he did not want Shay outside the secure caverns and barriers of the Circle yet.

So, his days were filled with this: trying to attune with a new magic focus. An orb, made of polished amethyst to be precise. It was going as well as one would expect; not great. This was, what, the tenth focus he had tried? What had he tried to attune to before the orb? A wand made of obsidian, then another made of white oak. There had been staves, arcane cubes, even a seashell at one point. Like the orb though, none of them had resonated with Shay.

He didn’t know exactly what it was. Part of him wondered if it was because the objects were something unattached to him. The focuses weren’t part of him, in the physical way his hair had been. That mental barrier, between him and the objects, was probably not helping with his attunement process. Every time he tried to concentrate on his arcane pathways and direct his magic towards the object in his hands, it was like he was slamming into a rock wall.

Oras, along with a few other mages from the Circle, had been assigned to teach him how to open his mind to his desired focus. It was infantilizing. He didn’t need to be with the small group of child mages to feel like one. He knew these lessons were the exact same ones taught to those kids Leena seemed so adept at teaching. His irritation only turned towards himself though, when he would spot the little boys and girls succeed where Shay was failing.

Leena, during one of her lessons with him, had kindly reminded him that children catch on easier to the art of focusing because this is their first time, their first focus. Shay, on the contrary, already knows how to do it, but has focused so long on his hair that attuning to a new object is like trying to teach someone to use a cane instead of their eyes to see, when they’ve been using their eyes for their whole life.

Most if not all of the Mages of Stars have a primary and secondary magical focus. For safety reasons, Shay had been told. Probably for the exact situation the young mage was having so much trouble navigating now. Oras uses his hair still, but he’s quite adept at using the jade and jasper stone bracelet around his left wrist as his secondary focus.

They sat in the airy cavern now, taking a breather. The cave in which they were training was immense; the fake night sky motif carried here on the high ceiling, and huge waterfalls to either side of the cavern dropped off in dark pits in the ground bellow, with polished marble railings to prevent anyone from falling into the abysses. In the middle of the cavern, a softly glowing white tree resided in a tended bed of flowers, its pale green and silver leaves swaying gently with a breeze coming from the opening opposite to it (the main exit from the Circle, Shay was told). Benches were strewn throughout, and a few other people were talking a walk through the open space or sitting beside the tree.

Oras had thought the peaceful cavern would be a suitable place to do their training. Something about the tranquil rush of the waterfall or the gentle breeze. The young mage couldn’t recall. Whatever the reason was, it was having little to no effect on him.

He huffed an agitated sigh, head falling into his hands in an open sign of distress. Shay rubbed his palms against the skin of his still-smooth scalp. Weeks. And still it refused to grow back. Hyacintha, during her time with him, said that he was probably still too attached to his former focus for it to grow normally. Eleos had said something similar when he had voiced concerns for the lack of growth.

"Hey," Oras said from his left, "You’ll get it eventually. Like I said, you just have to empty your mind, visualize your pathways and make a new path towards the orb."

Yes. That was another thing. Every time Shay closed his eyes…

White hot wrath, too many eyes to count, searing, phantom pain that wasn’t there, but nevertheless had his head spinning. Beams of sunlight, dome ceilings, mirrors, crazed sapphire eyes, memories that played out in his mind’s eye whenever he looked inward.

Trying to empty his mind, with those things haunting him, was harder than Oras could imagine.

Shay lifted his head from his hands, colorless irises finding his friend’s determined, steel blue gaze. Blue yes. Sandy blonde hair. He still looked like the underachieving mage Shay had been friends with in the Order, his brother beyond blood.

"Can I ask you something?" the young mage blurted out automatically, unwilling to continue with their current lesson.

"Sure, anything," Oras shrugged.

The heated argument, and the grief-stricken cries that followed, from the night of his shaving came back to Shay. He hadn’t spoken to Eleos or Oras about it, but the more he kept his eavesdropping to himself, the more it ate away at him. So, the young man decided that now was the time to say what was on his mind.

He guiltily looked away, staring unseeingly at the white tree ahead, "The night Eleos shaved my head, I overheard you and him having a…discussion. About me."

From his periphery, he was sure he saw Oras cringe at the word "discussion". He hadn’t wanted to say it was an argument, but his friend’s reaction told him all he needed to know. "I…I’m sorry you had to hear that. Um, how much did you hear?"

Shay pursed his lips, unable to look at his friend. "Everything from you telling Eleos he could have waited before shaving me to…the end."

"F***, Shay." Oras knew very well what he had heard. "It feels like we never tell you anything. You’ve been keeping this to yourself for weeks and I wasn’t even able to say that stuff to your face."

Shay gave a forced smile. "It’s not like I never kept stuff from you. I never even told you how bad my headaches had gotten back at the SunWoven-" he stopped himself, swallowing hard. "I kept a lot of my suffering from you back then. I guess you probably already knew what was going on, with all the stuff with the Circle, but I still didn’t tell you sh*t. You would think us being practically raised together, I would be able to share that with you."

"Yeah, alright, maybe we did keep stuff from each other," Oras was saying now, and he scratched the back of his head, "But I still don’t feel great about that argument with Eleos. I mean, he and I got it out of our system, but I guess I’m feeling guilty for keeping that from you." Shay turned to his friend then, and Oras scowled, more to himself than anything. "You’re my best friend. I was scared of loosing you. More than anything, I was angry that we let the barrier falter, that I couldn’t do anything more than that to keep you safe. That’s probably why I got mad at Eleos. He was the one person I knew I could count on to make sure you were okay, and I know you two care about each other, so when he shut us out and when Synn…"

Shay shivered. His body still trembled at the memory.

Oras sighed. "I took out my anger on him. I know he had your best interests at heart, but Shay, I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t come out of the spring alive."

The young mage watched as Oras mussed up his hair. He dragged his hands over his face, and, Shay’s eyes widened, he wiped the tears from his eyes. On an impulse, Shay wound his arm around his friend’s shoulders and patted his arm. "Hey, I’m still here, right? What, did you really think I was going to let myself get possessed that easily?" He tried to joke, but even to his own ears he sounded unsure.

And Oras made sure he understood the peril he had been in. "Shay, this is a GOD we’re talking about. A murderous, hellish fiend." Those hard blue eyes pinned his own in place, red-rimmed and haunted. "You were lucky. Perfect astral self or not, if Synn had been powerful enough, he would have erased you from existence. He can do so much damage, not just to you, but to all of us. Eleos said the only reason it didn’t go as bad as it could have, was because you barely had any hair left when he possessed you. That spring, this place?" Oras gestured around them, "If Eleos hadn’t acted fast and blocked out Synn’s sight, that monster could have found out our location. He could have wiped us out."

Shay eyes widened in horror. The thought had never occurred to him until Oras had laid it out for him. What would have happened if he hadn’t been able to regain control of his own body? What would have become of Eleos if that clipper got rid of his hair, his focus? These beautiful caverns, all the people living here, they could have met their end. Eleos could have died too.

"But…" Shay returned his attention to Oras, who gave a watery smile, "You kicked Synn’s ass. So, I guess things worked out. It still freaks me out though. I’m not going to pretend like you or Eleos or any of us weren’t in danger."

A rueful smile played on Shay’s lips. "I didn’t kick his ass. It was more like a struggle where I somehow ended up on top."

Oras laughed at his description and playfully rubbed his hand on his head, "Is that what you do with Eleos in his room at night?"

Shayd ducked away from the rub, hand slapping Oras’ away without conscious thought. Steel blue eyes became wide as saucers, and Oras’ laughter died on his tongue.

Shay panted once, bringing the hood on his dark clothing over his head. "Don’t. Just…" he struggled to breathe, and averted his gaze away as he regained some form of composure. He didn’t like it when anyone touched his head. Not unless it’s Eleos. It felt somehow wrong otherwise. "Just don’t touch my head."

Oras put his hand back down, looking sheepish. "Sorry, I guess I didn’t think that through."

The young mage rubbed his arm absentmindedly, looking for a way to avoid the questions Oras was sure to ask him. Blinking once, he found something to distract him. "Hey. How come you didn’t have to shave your head?"

The change of subject worked, for Oras’ attention shifted immediately. "Oh, yeah, you’re probably wondering why I got to keep mine."

Oras explained that, since he began his training as a mage of Stars at a young age, his mind was far more easily cleansed of Synn’s influence, especially after having been thoroughly traumatized by the initiation at so young an age. Leena had taught him how to protect his mind from outside influence through her teachings as a sealing expert.

Seals and barriers can be used in many different ways. The barriers that protect the Circle of Stars is one of those ways. They used a similar barrier to seal off the sacred spring during Shay’s shearing - though Oras brushed over the rather unpleasant part where it broke. He reminded Shay that, during his last passage exams, he had to enter the High Mage’s mind in his astral form, and found seals on his mind. These seals are the ones Oras was taught to utilize during his tutelage by Leena.

By experimenting with different mind sealing techniques, Oras was essentially able to wall off his mind, and with further practice, able to create a fake projection of himself, if ever an Elder Mage from the Order were to have any suspicions against him. With those in place, he had been able to keep his soul free of influence, and kept his hair.

"I’m lucky," Oras went on. "I’m a natural dirty blonde with blue eyes. None of this is superficial magic," he gestured to his unruly locks.

It made Shay wonder… "Do you remember what I looked like when I was a kid?"

Oras closed his eyes in deep contemplation. He pursed his mouth to the side as his brow furrowed. "That was a long time go. It’s hard to say. I want to guess maybe brown hair?" He shook his head. "I really don’t know. We were taught so early how to use radiant magic; I doubt any memories I have are actually true to how you should look."

He tried not to look disappointed, but his downcast eyes must not be convincing. "I see."

After a moment, in which they sat in tense silence, Oras bounded off the bench. "Want to try attuning to the orb again?"

XXXXX

Two months.

Colorless eyes gazed tiredly into the reflective surface of the opal staff.

"Imagine your arcane pathways in your mind."

He did. They wound along his body’s inner muscles, weaving through them like winding coils of light, splitting off and joining back together in a web-like structure.

"See how your magic flows through them."

He could. Radiant magic the color of gold sped through the channels, lighting up at every intersection-

Pain. Burning flesh.

"Follow the pathways to your hand, see where they stop and break through, make a new path to the staff in your palm."

Ignoring the flashing pain, he did as he was told. He did as he always had, and followed the vein-like structures in his mind’s eye. He followed them to where the pathways stopped in the palm of his hand, in the tips of his fingers-

White hot eyes, so bright and blinding they were nearly blue. Blue like his used to be. Hard sapphires that shone like the daytime sky. It burns. It hurts.

No. Make a new path. Ignore the hurt. Ignore the pain. Ignore every instinct that tells him to use the pathways in his head, in his scalp, the ones feeding the bulbs of his unresponsive hair-

Two months. Two damned months and he still couldn’t…

"Shay, focus on the staff in your hand-"

He snapped. With a frustrated cry, he threw the glittering opal staff against the wall.

Eleos ducked quickly out of the way, watching as the fashioned stick shattered to a thousand pieces against the rough cavern wall. Shards of semi-translucent opal went flying in every direction, spreading across the floor in a starburst from the point of impact.

Shay panted, hands itching to scratch his scalp with every fiber of his being. He paced the floor, sandals crunching without care on the broken glass-like crystals on the ground. Around him and Eleos, the other mages that had come in the dedicated training cavern had stopped what they were doing, and all stared at the pair with pitying eyes.

Shay turned his own to them, snarling under his breath, "F*** this. F*** all of this," and jogged out of the cavern into the interconnecting halls.

"Shay, wait!"

Eleos followed his young lover quickly, casting an apologetic look to the other mages, before catching up to Shay’s retreating form. The young mage walked briskly ahead of him, hands bringing his hood over his bald head. Eleos knew what the action meant; Shay only did that when he got overwhelmed with emotion, and would shut out the world through this one simple gesture.

He wouldn’t let him. "Shay, stop," he reached out for one of Shay’s arms-

And had his hand slapped away. "No. Leave me alone." The young man increased his fast-pace walking, ducking through endless passageways to reach his and Eleos’ sleeping chambers. He needed a break. He needed to stop thinking for one second, to shut his mind off, to relax, to clean himself, to do something to distract himself from every memory and thought that haunted his every waking hour. He needed an escape from his inability to-

Eleos alighted in front of him in a coil of shadows, stopping him dead in his tracks. His hands gently took his upper arms in their grip, "What is it little apprentice? Speak with me, please."

"Don’t call me that!" He wrenched his entire body out of the man’s grasp, scowling unpleasantly. He didn’t want to be belittled right now. Not when he’s feeling this vulnerable, not when he’s angry. He briskly parted the curtains to their room. "I just want to be alone. So go find something else to do. I’m sorry I broke the staff."

But the Dark Mage followed him inside, not heeding his request. "I don’t care about the staff, dearest, I care about you, and you’re clearly unwell, so don’t bottle up your feelings, and let them out."

Shay turned on him, a vehement retort flying from his lips before he could stop it, "Like you’re one to talk! You could barely tell me how scared you were when I almost died in the sacred spring but you went to Oras instead of me to let it all out! So maybe I’ll do the same!"

Eleos stopped advancing at that, golden eyes wide and guilty. Shay felt his eyes prickle, and, ashamed at what he just said, turned away, hugging his arms to himself. "Just go away…"

Somehow, he expected Eleos to comfort him. To hug him, maybe.

But when he heard his lover’s footsteps leaving, and the curtain parting, rustling closed, Shay crumbled to the ground, biting his fist to keep himself from crying out in anguish.

XXXXX

"IT IS HIGH TIME THOU UNDERSTOOD THOU HAVE NO FREE WILL IN THIS WORLD OF MINE OWN DESIGN."

He tried to shout, to call out for help, to say anything but nothing came out. His mouth was filled with cotton, silky threads. They wrapped around his throat and constricted his windpipe, cut the air from his lungs.

His lungs! They burned! His tears were molten lava on his face. His skin peeled from his fingers, revealing nothing but charred bone underneath-

"THOU ART NOTHING BUT ANOTHER PAWN MEANT TO BE CONTROLLED."

Biting threads around his wrists, his ankles, his elbows, his knees. They bent backwards at inhuman angles and he wanted to scream and shout and cry out in agony! His body was pulled and controlled and all around him the world burned in a fiery, radiant inferno the likes of which humanity only thinks about in their worst of waking nightmares.

It’s a nightmare. It’s only a nightmare, he can’t hurt him anymore, he’s not-

"I DO WONDER, IF THE SACRILEGE THOU HAST PERFORMED ON MINE VESSEL, WOULD BE JUST AS TERRIBLE FOR YOU, ELEOS."

Eleos. His form, beaten and bloody and twisted beyond recognition. Black eyes leaking tar, mouth open on a soundless scream as his own burning hand approached with that cursed, slicing tool-

"No! STOP! Eleos, get away! STOP!-"

His breathing hitched; his lungs struggled with breath he could barely catch.

"Shay, wake up, please wake up, I’m here…"

Tender words. They cut through the nightmare, and the bright light faded, nothing but a terrible memory, giving way to the soft, cool blues and purples that glowed in their cavern. The trickling of the natural spring chased away the horrible ringing and drowned out his sobbing cries.

Even after being so callous to Eleos, he was still here. He was still with him, in their bed, holding him, rocking him back and forth as his hysteric screams turned to inconsolable whines. "Eleos, I’m sorry…" he whimpered brokenly, knuckles white, a deathly grip on his lover’s arms. "I didn’t mean what I said before, please don’t leave me alone I can’t-"

Soft kisses landed on his head, his face, his lips, even as wet as they were. "Shh, don’t Shay. I know it’s hard, don’t say that. Alright? Relax, darling. I’m not leaving you."

The nightmare became nothing but a distant memory, and all that mattered was getting the negativity eating away at him out. "I-I just…" he coughed, breaths high and unsteady in his throat.

"Look at me."

Watery, colorless irises found gleaming, glowing gold. Eleos’ brow furrowed at his stricken features, and he pursed his lips to keep them from trembling at the sight of his young lover. "Shay. My little apprentice…breathe with me."

One of his hands, which was shaking still, got grasped in the Dark Mage’s own, and placed on the man’s bare chest. It took many a long minute, but gazing into each other’s eyes, they began to breathe in sync, and Shay slumped his head onto the other’s shoulder when he could finally think clearly again.

"Now…tell me what ails you." Eleos rubbed his other hand soothingly down the young mage’s back, fingers following the curve of his spine in leisurely strokes.

‘Deep breaths’ he reminded himself before he could speak. "It’s been two months…" he started quietly, snivelling. "Two. Months. And I have nothing to show for it. I can’t use my magic. I can’t attune to anything. I can’t even use the cloak you gave me. I can’t go anywhere because I’m too weak to do what you and Oras and all the other mages do, but I can’t just," he ground his teeth together hard, "I can’t just sit inside these caverns all day anymore! I miss being outside! I’m not a civilian. I-I can’t even grab something from the high shelves in the kitchen without having to climb on the counters like some kid!"

He pushed himself off Eleos, tear-tracked features downcast. Eleos rubbed his palm over his scalp. He said nothing, allowing Shay to speak without interruption, without rush.

"My h-hair," he started again, hands gripping the bedsheets tighter as Eleos kept massaging his nape, "It hasn’t grown back yet. It’s been two months and not a s-single strand has grown back. I know you said it could take months but this isn’t ME Eleos!" He joined his hands with the other’s own on his head, nails biting into the skin there angrily. "I’ve never used anything but my hair for magic before and no matter how many times we try, I can’t get myself to attune to anything! It doesn’t work! Any time I try all I get are these memories from my initiation and Synn and everything-" he took a deep breath, the air rattling his lungs. "I want to forget, but my mind won’t let me!"

Eleos shushed him, bringing their foreheads together as he did. The demi-god allowed Shay a moment to express his grief. For too long he’s kept those emotions just hidden under the surface of his psyche, and Eleos knew they were there. He just couldn’t force Shay to say anything when he wasn’t ready. And saying anything before he wanted to talk about it would have only unnerved him.

But now, he knew his own worries needed to come out. Shay had called out his own hypocrisy yesterday, and he had left to ruminate over the words after the young man had told him to leave. He hadn’t wanted to, not really. Not when Shay was drowning in sorrow. But they had both needed time to think about what they had said, what had been done.

"Shay…" Eleos swallowed, watching as his lover’s eyes met his hesitantly. "I have also…given thought to everything that has happened. I know" he cut in, before Shay could say anything, "I know this has been hard. I see how hard it is. I know what you’re going through. Granted, my recovery from my own," he dreading the word, "shearing, was quicker than you. But it nevertheless hurt me in much the same way. And I’m sorry."

Shay sniffed, wiping his face with the heel of his palm. "What for?"

The handsome mage’s face fell. "For shaving you."

He bit his lips, eyes closing tightly. "Why? We both know I h-had to. And you did everything you could to make it feel good, why are you-"

"I was scared, Shay," Eleos admitted. "You were weak, you needed more time to recover before I shaved you. Maybe all of us did. If we had waited just a bit longer, until you were feeling stronger, maybe the barrier wouldn’t have fallen, maybe you wouldn’t have gotten possessed by Synn, maybe…maybe you wouldn’t be struggling so much." The man ran his hands through his messy raven locks, pushing them back from his head in an open sign of distress. "But I was weak. I was afraid. I saw your burned body and I panicked. The spring healed you but I can never forget what that monster did to you. I was so scared of losing you, I didn’t see that you needed time to process everything that had happened. Instead, I shaved your head as soon as you were awake and look what that did."

Shay suppressed a sob, his heart breaking to pieces at the words. "Oh, Eleos…I don’t regret it."

"I do." The Dark Mage muttered dejectedly. "I should have listened to Oras. You weren’t ready, and I selfishly thought I could magically make things work out because I loved you…"

"My love."

Eleos tensed at the endearing term. Shay didn’t use it often. Unlike Eleos, Shay still had some shame regarding their relationship. The endearment only ever came out in the privacy offered by their bedchamber, and often came after…deep coupling.

The young mage brought his hands to the demi-god’s head, small fingers burying themselves in long raven hair. He turned those darkened golden eyes to his, and stared hard into them, trying to convey every bit of adoration and sincerity he could in his glare. "I was never going to be ready. But you did everything you could. And I can’t thank you enough. What happened with Synn…I don’t blame you. And I don’t want you to blame yourself either. Please," he brought their lips together, softly, with every bit of affection he could, "Please…let’s not hide these things anymore."

A hard breath blew from Eleos’ nose. Then, warm hands, over his body, and cool, winding shadows joined them. Shay shivered at the touch of Eleos’ magic, shivering with a sudden desire. And when Eleos said, "Let me erase those nightmares, if only for a moment," Shay succumbed willingly to the loving tide.

XXXXX

Continued in part thirteen.

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