Transformations - #3 - faculty renewal by Manny

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This is part #3 of a multi-part story
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As expected, Jim was named as the new Headmaster of St. Ignatius School for Boys.

At his first meeting with faculty and staff, he laid out his plans for institutional renewal.

"We’re not taking St. Ignatius in a new direction, but rather returning her to her glory days when this prestigious campus was the envy of other center of learning in the state. We’re sweeping away the reforms that have turned us into a wallowing magnet of mediocrity….coddled kids, sissy boys, everyone-gets-a-trophy approach…. It was my Aunt Matilda’s expressed desire, in the terms of her $10 million bequest, that a dress code and grooming policy be put in place and strictly enforced. The students will be back in uniform…grey flannel shorts, complimented by matching grey and yellow argyle knee socks, along with a coordinated argyle vest, a starched white shirt, and a gray tie, jacket and cap," Jim announced.

A murmur spread through the assembled crowd, with half of the folk (mainly oldsters) approving and half of the folk skeptical.

Jim continued, "There will only be three permitted hair lengths: 1) a crewcut like the one I’m sporting; 2) a flattop like Phil Kendall’s; and 3) a traditional short-back-and-sides, parted on the side and plastered over with Brylcreme. Just so that no one is in doubt about the meaning of ‘short,’ I have asked Mr. Branson, from Branson’s Barber Shop, to come and cut the hair of one of you. As he does so, he will explain the terminology and corresponding permitted length. That way, when the moptops ask you for clarification on the first day of school, you will know just how short their short-back-and sides must be if they are to continue attending here. All boys’ hair must be cut to the new standard by the end of the first week of school. Any who remain unshorn by Friday will be sent home or taken by school bus to Branson’s Barber Shop and given crewcuts. I’d like to thank Mr. Branson for being here today to demonstrate the permitted hair length, as well as for shearing the residual stragglers once school starts."

Mr. Branson stood to acknowledge the polite applause.

Jim invited him to prepare to cut a volunteer’s hair; Mr. Branson moved over to where the stool was prepared as a makeshift barber chair.

"So, do I have a volunteer? Someone with a big mop of hair that needs to be shorn?" Jim asked.

People looked about, but no one offered to be the haircut guinea pig.

"Perhaps I should note that faculty and staff who are not seen as team players, enthusiastically supporting my campaign for institutional renewal, will seriously jeopardize their future at St. Ignatius, precisely at a time when each member of the faculty will receive a 15% pay increase and each member of the support team will receive a 10% raise," Jim explained.

Still, no one moved.

Jim continued, staring directly at Coach Clarkson, "Someone with unruly curls, perhaps?"

Coach cleared his throat nervously, "Uh, I, um, suppose I could volunteer. Save myself a few bucks on a haircut…"

A muffled chuckle rippled throughout the room. Coach had the most abundant mane of thick, soft blond curls. A massive collection of golden ringlets framed his handsome face like an angel’s halo.

"Thank you, Coach! You are certainly more in need of a haircut than anyone else in this room. Come up here and take a seat of this stool so that Mr. Branson can dispatch that lion’s mane to the floor," Jim said.

Mr. Branson had an eager expression as Coach slowly made his way to the front.

Coach looked uncomfortable, his muscular body perched precariously atop the stool, as Mr. Branson caped him up.

"Before the shearing begins, Coach," Jim said, "perhaps you could share with us your idea of institutional renewal in the sports arena."

"First off, we go back to the days when Coach is always right and never questioned!" Coach Clarkson said, to much nodding and approving nods. "Then, we restore the practice of summer boot camp for aspiring athletes that starts with an induction haircut. Bald to the bone! The boys lined up quietly, without horseplay, waiting to be taken down to the wood by my clippers! Sure, they feel vulnerable with no hair and look miserable, but they know who is in charge. Coach! That’s what matters!"

"I totally support both of those," Jim said.

Coach piped up again, "Oh, and teachers can feel free to send any troublemakers to me! We should reinstitute corporal punishment. First offense is 50 push-ups and 150 jumping jacks. Second offense is three smacks with my paddle followed by the same number of push-ups and jumping jacks."

"And if the problematic boy continues to cause trouble?" Jim asked.

"Shaved bald, five thwacks with the paddle and suspended to the end of term," Coach proposed.

"Approved!" Jim snapped. The teachers clapped wholeheartedly.

"Now, Mr. Branson, time for you to put some discipline back into Coach Clarkson’s appearance!" Jim announced.

The clippers roared to life, and Mr. Branson took them in a tight taper right up the left side.

"Coach is getting tapered to zero on the sides and back," the barber explained. "As you can see, this clippers has a #0 blade which basically takes the hair right off near the scalp. It is clipped to zero about a third of the way up, and then gradually eased into a tight taper. But the barber should keep it close all the way to the crown, like this….."

The first mound of lovely blond locks fell to the cape and then slid to the floor.

Some of the other teachers who disliked Coach clapped.

"We keep tapering it exactly the same all the way around, manipulating the boy’s head with a firm grip, like this," the barber explained as he wrenched Coach’s head to get better access to the curls that covered his left ear.

"Off they fall! With curly hair like this it is very important that the boys’ tapers be extra tight. In fact, I would recommend that Curly Sue-type lads stick to induction cuts. Tight all over," Mr. Brandon suggested. "The short back-and-sides will require a lot of Brylcreme to keep plastered in place."

"So, uh," Coach said meekly, "uh, do you recommend a butch for me?"

"Yep, buzzed down to stubble all over! Shall I?" Mr. Branson asked with delight in his voice.

Jim interjected, "I suppose we could allow a fourth hair length â€" baldy cuts! Clipped to zero all over. Let’s see how one looks on Coach."

"I guess it’ll be a baldy for me, then," replied Coach glumly.

"Just the way you want the boys looking when you induct them into your summer athletics boot camp!" the barber laughed, running the clippers down the top of Coach’s head.

Curls tumbled in every direction and people giggled nervously as they watched the stunning transformation.

Piles of cut curls grew around the stool and Mr. Branson’s feet.

As the haircut continued, Jim asked, "Who will volunteer to be the model for that elusive short-back-and-sides? Chaplain Stevens? You’re already in the ball park, but we need to show some skin. A nice set of whitewalls around those ear. The overgrown business cut looks shaggy. How about it?"

"I guess so," the Chaplain replied, a bit reluctantly.

"As we’re waiting for Coach Baldy to get uncaped, tell us what your suggestions are for institutional reforms, Chaplain Stevens," Jim said.

"Oh, I have a long list!" the chaplain said enthusiastically. "First off, we go back to daily morning chapel services. That’s the way it used to be before the reformers slowly began reducing them from daily to weekly, then to monthly, followed by quarterly, and finally annually. Once a year? And we are a Catholic School! The boys will say the rosary together in Latin during each service, whether they are Catholic or not! No opt outs. Oh, and we need to restore the proper, clear terms for the sacraments. It’s ‘confession’ and not ‘reconciliation!’ And penance….don’t get me started. Let’s just say, I do agree that Coach’s paddle needs to be brought out of the closet regularly. As the Good Book says, ‘spare the rod and spoil the child.’"

"Amen to that. Approved, wholeheartedly!" Jim exclaimed.

After Mr. Branson removed the cape, Coach slid off the stool, gingerly feeling his shorn head and looking forlornly at the mass of curls on the floor.

"Now, Chaplain Stevens, climb up there and let Barber Branson show us all how a traditional short-back-and-sides is cut and looks," Jim said.

Chaplain Stevens cracked a nervous half-grin as Mr. Branson tightened the cape around his neck.

"Let’s take off these trendy frames…I recommend a pair of thick black plastic glasses to go with your new, old-timey haircut," Jim said, removing the chaplain’s glasses.

The clippers whirled to life as Mr. Branson forced Chaplain Stevens’ head into a low bow.

"Clipped to zero on the lower third. When you hit the occipital bone, start easing away lightly, but keep the taper close all the way to the crown," Mr. Branson said, as he drove the clippers up the back of the chaplain’s head and then flicked away a considerable padding of shorn hair.

"I’m already feeling a bit lightheaded," Chaplain Stevens laughed as the barber began a second drive with the clippers.

The barber was quick with the clippers, transforming the chaplain’s shaggy business cut with its bulky forelock into a very tidy, spiffy, short taper.

"The most important thing is to angle the bangs and thin the life out of them so that they can stay nicely plastered to the side. Like this," he said as the comb the bangs down straight so that they hung over the chaplain’s eyes.

"First, the thinning," he explained as he quickly whacked away and combed out the bulk.

In seconds, the thick forelock was reduced to mere wispy strands.

"Then, the barber shears, diagonally up the forehead, like this," Mr. Branson said as he demonstrated.

SNIP, SNIP, SNIP.

"Now, let’s slick it to the side with a big dollop of crème. And, voila!" the barber exclaimed, slicking the hair into place and then proudly gazing at Chaplain Stevens’ tidy, short haircut.

"No more hair near the eyes," Jim remarked with approval.

Then, one of the ladies spoke, "Jim, I have some ideas about our food service. Fish on Fridays! And, on holy fast days, no food service. The kitchen staff will get a day off!"

"I don’t remember fasting at school…but fish on Fridays is a definite!" Jim said with enthusiasm. "Mackerel, preferably."

Then, Jim asked, "Does anyone have questions about how things will transpire at the new-old St. Ignatius?"

"So, with this new position you’re in, what issues should we bring to Mr. Kendall and what issues should we bring to you?" Marv asked.

"Excellent question! Thanks for asking. I’ll be happy to clarify, because Phil Kendall’s role will change dramatically. All matters concerning faculty, students, parents and curriculum will come to me. I’ll be occupying the principal’s office where Phil currently sits. He is being re-located to a cubicle in the basement near the boiler. Phil - no need to address him as Mr. Kendall any more - will be responsible for all facility matters. You’ll see him in coveralls, helping mop the bathrooms if a janitor is sick, or perhaps in the garage changing the oil on the school busses," Jim announced, his eyes twinkling with delight.

Mr. Kendall blushed with total embarrassment. A huge demotion publicly announced and explained! He fondled the stiff strands of his flattop nervously. Oh, how he missed his executive coif and elaborate pompadour which had made him look so distinguished and authoritative.

There were murmurs of approval from the faculty members who couldn’t stand Mr. Kendall’s overbearing oversight.

"Meeting adjourned!" Jim announced. "Come on Phil, let’s get your stuff out of my office and move you into the basement. I’ll help you get on your new coveralls to make sure they fit. They’ll complement your spiffy new flattop. I hope you tipped Mr. Branson well when he mowed off your pretty boy mane."

"Yes, sir," Mr. Kendall said submissively as they walked out together.

Once they were alone, Jim said, "Phil, if Coach is going to resurrect his disciplinary paddle, I'd like him to get some practice before it's needed to deal with a student..."

Phil's face was in total shock. His mouth dropped open...
"

Jim simply kept staring at him.

"Yes, sir," he finally said. "I'll stop by his office in the gym sometime."

"No time like the present!" Jim chirped. "And, I really would like to watch...just to make sure it's done properly."

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