21 and buzzed down by James.k22@outlook.com

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I’m James I've only just turned 21, im also gay, and live in Liverpool. Being gay has never been a big secret for me, I’ve always been out and comfortable with that part of myself. But there’s something I’ve never ever talked about with anyone.

I’ve always had a thing for older bald men. Like men in their 40s or 50s even older, proper masculine guys with totally shaved heads. It’s not just the look for me, it’s the way they carry themselves.
Like they’ve got nothing to prove. I don’t know what it is, but I always thought I really wish I looked like that.

Truth is, I’ve never shaved my head before. I’ve thought about it for a few years now. I hate my hair. It just never feels like me. And yet, I’ve always bottled it up. Kept the whole thing a secret. No ones knowes. There’s this little voice in my head telling me not to do it every time I'm near a barbershop
It calls me saying

You’ll look absolutely ridiculous.
You’re not even balding, what’s the point?
You’ve got nice hair, why shave it?
People will stare. People will ask questions. You’ll look like a thug, or ill like have cancer.


However, then there’s another side of me. The one that’s tired of caring what other people think. The one that wants to feel more like a real man, not just a young lad floating between being a boy and trying to grow up. That part of me says:

You’re 21 You can do what you want with your hair
It’s only hair. It grows back shave it bald.
You don’t need anyone’s permission.
Maybe you’ll actually like it
Maybe you will look more mature and look like an adult.

A year or so later my first big step was when I moved down south for college, to Bath.

something changed in me i think. No one knew me there which was a huge relief. I walked past this proper old-school barber shop. It wasnt even listed on google.

The barber was in his late 50s with grey short hair. Blue eyes . Tall lanky and smelled of cigarette smoke. It wasnt a trendy place, yet it felt the best place to go. A hidden secret little barbershop. And me with a secret to hide.

Something within me just said do it. I walked in and sat down in a wooden bench.
And waited to be called forward. A few others came in after me but I was too focused on what I was going to ask the barber for.

"What are we doing today?" Adam asked.

I said, "Can I get it shaved?"

"You mean a buzz cut?" he asked.

I just nodded, more out of respect but really I was already disappointed in myself.

He offered to start with a number 2 guard, just to test the waters. I agreed. But after a couple swipes of the clippers and seeing the dark hair drop around me, I touched my still dark cropped head and said, "Id rather have it alot shorter please."

Right then, a man sitting with his young son behind me joined in. He had a fully shaved head, just grey stubble showing around the sides and back.

He said, "Go for it lad Shaved down like mine no guard! "

I looked at him. Confident. No nonsense. That’s what I wanted. I turned back to Adam and said, "Exactly like his please."

Adam smiled, took the guard off, and asked if I was sure. I was too excited to speak I just nodded.
Adam placed the bare metal clippers back to my forehead and buzzed me down. The sound of the clippers. The vibration on my scalp. The hair falling in clumps. It was honestly the most free I’ve ever felt in a barber’s chair in my life. I felt relaxed and felt at home in a weird way.

When he finished, he used the dryer to blow the shorn hair off my neck and used talc powder, and I caught my reflection. I looked older. Alot Different. I felt like I’d taken a proper step forward. I didn’t look soft or unsure. I looked like someone in control.

But then came mixed feelings. Relief, yeah. Pride, a little bit. But also a weird disappointment. I hadn’t gone fully bald. I still had stubble on my head. I didn’t get that hot towel, that clean razor feeling. That true, smooth bald head I've always really wanted.

So now I’m stuck again. Halfway there. Waiting for the right moment. Wondering when I’ll be ready to just go for it. No barriers in my way. No holding back. I'd love to be totally 100% bald one day. Or have the option made for me ti be shaved bald would be excellent.

I still hear that voice saying you’ll look awful But I’m learning to listen to the other voice more — the one that says it’s your head, your life, your choice.

Hopefully I don't need to wait long.
I know it sounds strange but it's a true feeling I'm having at this moment in time.

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