The Reduction by Manny

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Huge shout-out to Linus who came up with the plot, and the description of the barbers and the shop!!'

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They called him "Colonel" even though they knew full well he was only a lieutenant, possibly a mere second lieutenant. Just a bit of light-hearted mockery that Kevin and Luke enjoyed engaging in at the expense of their property manager.

With his chestnut brown horseshoe flattop and thick pushbroom mustache, clipped to regulation, he looked more like a drill sergeant.

Besides being the manager of their apartment complex, Colonel served with pride in the Army reserves.

At times, the fellows upgraded his moniker from "Colonel" to "Colonel Klink" -- especially when complaining about their seedy complex which they referred to as Stallag 13.

Kevin and Luke loved watching re-runs of Hogan’s Heroes on one of the few cable channels Stallag 13 offered tenants in the rent package.

Rent was an issue for the two who always struggled to pay the Colonel on time. They would plead for just an "extra week" with faint promises of a bonus coming due or some overtime payout they were expecting.

Colonel would puff out his chest, cock his head in an authoritative way so that the two had a clear view of his flattop’s landing strip, stroke his pushbroom mustache menacingly, and threaten to evict them.

More groveling would ensue.

Then, a crack in Colonel’s façade would appear. He would smile and say, "okay, just this once."

They had been through the routine so many times, it was almost like a pantomime. The fellows felt that behind his harsh exterior, the Colonel was a likeable guy. The flattop, the pushbroom mustache...it was all part of an act.

Then came the event -- the turning point in their relationship!

The fellows were trying to sneak back into their apartment when Colonel whistled loudly and motioned them into the manager’s office. Gulp! Rent was due….

"Don’t even try it!" Colonel snapped. "Just the rent, no excuses!"

Kevin stammered, "It’s just that…."

"The rent!" Colonel insisted, holding his palm out to receive the payment.

"We’ll have it Friday," Luke promised.

"I’ll have it today or you’ll see all your crapola out on the sidewalk!" Colonel barked.

Luke and Kevin blinked nervously.

Then, Colonel’s face softened, like it usually did.

The fellows breathed a sigh of relief.

"You can have until Friday, provided you make a down payment today," Colonel said.

Kevin reached for his wallet, "I have, uh, a $20. How’s that?"

"Oh, I didn’t mean money from you two pretty boys," he replied with a smirk as he rose to his feet, puffed out his chest and stroked his pushbroom mustache. "The down payment will be in the form of pampered girly-boy tresses on the floor of the barber shop I use!"

To emphasize the condition he was imposing, Colonel thrust his hand toward them, like a set of shears, and began an aggressive hacking motion.

Luke, whose thick mane of jet-black waves framed his handsome face, jumped back instinctively from the implied threat. There was no way any part of his carefully cultivated shag, with its center part and feathered sides, was going to grace the floor of a barber shop!! Nor would his thick mutton-chop sideburns feel a barber’s small edger clipping them off!

"If we don’t have money for the rent, how will we pay a barber?" Kevin argued cautiously.

"You’ve got $20 in your wallet, and I’ll throw in the rest, just to see you two pretty boys given the discipline you need to make timely rent payments," Colonel replied in a jovial tone. "Now, come with me. The barber shop closes early on Fridays."

Kevin dawdled, pawing nervously at his silky curtain bangs of honey-golden tones with auburn highlights. They were the object of frequent, admiring looks from hot chicks.

There was no doubt Luke’s raven mane received a fair amount of attention, as well, but Kevin’s locks were even longer and more luxuriant.

"It’s just a haircut, fellows," Colonel urged.

The two pretty boys were frozen in their tracks, unable to respond.

"How about I sweeten the deal for you?" Colonel suggested. "A bigger apartment with lower rent. You can’t refuse this once in a lifetime bargain. It’s a two-bedroom that, well, has a view of the parking lot. Ha, ha! But you wouldn’t have to share a bedroom. And, I’ll throw in an upgraded cable package. The rent is $100 cheaper than what you’re paying now for the one-bedroom."

"Well that sounds enticing," Kevin commented warily, starting to twitch on his feet and coming around to the idea of a brutally short haircut.

"But, there’s a catch with the apartment swap offer," Colonel stated. "It won’t be just a one-off trip to the barber shop for a flattop like mine today. Oh, no! Every month, when the rent comes due, you’ll both be freshly shorn with landing strips that need to pass my inspection when you turn in the rent payment! The cut-rate lease will be extended month-by-month at my discretion."

"I’m not cutting my hair," Luke stated flatly.

"Here are the keys to 245-B. Go check it out. Remember your three options: 1) the full rent now, or, 2) a one-off visit to my barber for flattops to stay where you are, and rent due on Friday, or, 3) a commitment to stay flat for as long as you live here in the spacious, cheaper two-bedroom!" Colonel exclaimed, anticipating their choice. "And, this offer expires in 15 minutes!"

A huge squabble broke out between Luke and Kevin as they went to check out the two-bedroom.

"A flattop?! Are you crazy? I can’t believe you’re even considering it," Luke stammered. "He even mentioned a landing strip!"

"I’m not keen about sleeping in my car or on the sidewalk," Kevin snapped.

"But your hair!" Luke insisted, "It’s so cool in that shag with those dreamy curtain bangs! And those highlights -- do you want to watch an old geezer sweep them up and dump them in his trashcan?"

"I might," Kevin replied in a surprisingly matter-of-fact tone. "And to then return to a bedroom of my own, with more cable channels to watch."

The two explored the apartment Colonel was offering.

"I can’t believe all this space will be $100 cheaper per month!" Luke exclaimed.

Then he popped into the bathroom and studied his treasured hair in the mirror. So black, so thick, so wavy, so wonderful...so threatened with by Colonel’s command makeover!

Kevin appeared behind him in the reflection.

"Bidding it all good-bye already?" he asked. "Actually, I’m sort of looking forward to a change."

Kevin pushed Luke aside. He stared at the natural highlights of tones ranging from gold to auburn. So lush, so pretty, so silken.

"Colonel’s flattop is fairly awesome...and that mustache too," Kevin said, trying to shift gears and think of himself with a different look.

"You’re serious about this, aren’t you?" Luke muttered in a dejected tone.

"Are you in with me or not?" Kevin demanded. "I can’t pay the rent, even the reduced rate, by myself."

Luke fondled his locks and smoothed them into place one last time.

"I suppose I am," he conceded.

Kevin strode back to the management office dragging Luke along.

"We’re taking the two-bedroom," Kevin announced. "And going with the makeover; flattops for both of us, if that’s still a requirement."

"It is, pretty boy," Colonel snapped.

"Can I keep my mutton chop sideburns?" Luke asked.

"Nope! But, you can grow a pushbroom stache, like mine," Colonel replied.

Without another word, he marched the two pretty boys to his car. Kevin took the front seat and Luke climbed in back. As they rode, Luke studied Colonel’s flattop closely. It was a look he was not looking forward to!

Then his eyes turned to Kevin’s beautiful honey-golden flow with auburn highlights. The rival mane to his ebony waves; it would be fun to watch the barber put an end to all that length, Luke thought to himself. Of the two pretty boys, Luke had to concede that Kevin was definitely the prettier. But, with flattops, his dense black hair might just come out better than Kevin’s finer, silkier strands.

"Why do you want our hair cut like yours, Colonel?" Kevin asked.

"I’m a sergeant, Kevin. But, I have a name. It’s Robert," he said. "Most people call me Bob."

"So, what’s with us getting flattops, Bob?" Luke insisted from the back seat.

Bob shifted a bit uncomfortably in his bucket seat.

"I told you. You two need discipline. Joining the army was the best thing that ever happened to me. I used to be like you two...goofing off...getting drunk...job hopping...a revolving door of chicks draining my wallet...dodging the rent collector. Bootcamp changed all that. And, it started right at the barber shop! I had a big mass of hair, a real mop of loopy curls, and the barber mowed it all off in about a minute. Best thing that ever happened to me," Bob recounted.

"And you want to turn us into respectable, upright citizens too?" Luke asked snidely.

"No, I want to enjoy watching that prissy mop of yours fall in the wake of the barber’s clippers! Those thick raven locks that you probably spend hours grooming and admiring each day -- in clumps, piles, mounds -- at the barber’s feet!" Bob sneered. "I want to see a weepy look on your face, tears welling up as you contemplate your total transformation!"

Then, his attention turned to Kevin.

"And golden-boy here -- these lush honey-golden locks with auburn highlights falling away in sheaves -- head bowed low, watching his girly-boy look pile up on the cape and giving way to a military-length flattop!" Bob laughed.

The car pulled up to the Portside Barbershop, a small stand-alone establishment in a no-frills neighborhood.

"I see both barbers have clients," Bob noted as the trio walked toward the shop’s door. "Who’s going to be Herb’s first victim?"

"He is!" Luke quickly said, playfully batting at his friend’s honey-golden locks.

"You won’t be able to do that by the time we leave this place," Kevin groused, smoothing his feathered style back into place.

"He’ll be giving you both haircuts -- he's the total best at flattops, especially first-time flats. And, I do enjoy his banter with nervous clients watching their precious locks fall," Bob remarked with a twinkle in his eye.

Bob firmly pushed the door of the barber shop open and announced, "Two new clients for you, Herb! They’re both here for first-time flats!"

The Portside Barbershop was as no frills as it got. The cracked linoleum floor which was once a vibrant green and white checkerboard had faded to a very muted gray. The hulking barber chairs were from the 1920s, their minty pedestals standing proudly amongst thick piles of hair clippings.

The two barbers worked quietly. Herb was the older of the two. Mid-50s and balding, his hair was nondescript. Unremarkable. His tinted glasses hid his bright blue eyes, but they could not conceal the intensity he had on the haircut he was finishing, an incredibly high tapered Ivy League. A cigarette hung from his thin lips as he scraped the hot leather from the back and sides of his customer’s head, putting the finishing touches on the haircut.

"Should last you another ten days, Hank," Herb said as he eyed Bob and the two raggedy-looking mops sulking behind him.

Herb was eager to dispatch his client; he knew where this was probably headed, and he knew this was going to be a fun hour at the barber shop.

The other chair was manned by Jake, his hair was clipped very short for the 1980s...a tidy brush cut. He was half Herb’s age, but also a menace with the clippers. Jake had an intense nature and was not afraid to grab the client’s head to direct it where he wanted it. The piles of hair around his chair seemed a little heavier...a sure sign that he had been busy that day and that he was no stranger to giving major transformations.

Jake was finishing up a buzzcut on a muscular construction worker. The handsome man had a looked of bemusement on his face and a decent tan line around his neck. His cape was a battlefield strewn with the carnage of a once-glimmering mop.

Jake beamed as he ran his Oster’s over the top a few times, just to make sure it was perfectly clipped to a uniform length.

"Gotta get the top as perfect as possible -- this is the part all your friends are gonna touch," Jake chuckled as he changed directions on the top of the man’s head once more.

The construction worker surveyed his lap covered with hair, almost in disbelief of what had just happened.

"I can take one of those lads when I finish up here," Jake said, looking at Luke’s raven mane with eager eyes.

"Nope, you’ll be tightening up my top, Jake," Bob quickly said. "Those two need the touch of a master!"

Luke and Kevin stood, shuffling on their feet nervously. Between taking in the details of the time warp they had entered and staring at their glossy locks in the big mirror behind the throne-like chairs, they were paralyzed amid the faded checks of linoleum and clumps of cut hair strew about the floor.

"Let’s not be fighting about whose first, fellows," Herb quipped as he patted the brown leather seat.

Kevin amble over and mounted the metal footrest of the Koken antique with trepidation.

"So, what’s with the big change?" Herb asked as he snapped open the cape, making the jittery Kevin jolt in the chair.

"Oh, uh, Bob there, uh, he’s quite a persuasive guy," Kevin replied, unsure of how to answer.

"They want discipline, the two of them!" Bob announced, making Luke cringe on the hard chair where he was perched in the waiting area.

Herb fastened the cape into place with a huge metal clip and then began to brush Kevin’s mane away from his face.

"There’s a lot of hair here," Herb commented, giving a low whistle.

In a way, it seemed as if he were admiring the natural highlights of various colors.

"Not for much longer," Bob laughed, enjoying the scene from his chair next to Luke’s. "Wish you had gone first, Lukie?"

"Wish I wasn’t here at all," Luke muttered.

Herb continued the brushing, this time combing the hair straight down all around. The voluminous curtains completely covered Kevin’s wide green eyes.

"Your girlfriend know about the flattop?" Herb asked, taking a pair of shears from the chest pocket of his professional, black barber tunic.

"No, sir," Kevin gulped. "It all came about rather quickly, really unexpectedly, this visit to your shop.

Herb slipped the blade under the shimmering curtain, right at the top, near the forehead.

SNIP, SNIP, SNIP!

A mass of lustrous, magnificent hair fell to the cape.

"There! Three snips and you already look a lot better," Herb said with a slightly mocking tone.

"Well, since I’m facing away from the mirror, I’ll have to take you at your word," Kevin replied without missing a beat, studying the cut hair in his lap.

"You’re looking great, Kev. You are!" Bob piled on, enthusiastically. "I’m proud of you. Not one tear shed! I think Nervous Nelly next to me here won’t be as brave."

Secretly, Luke enjoyed watching his friend’s mane get mangled. The lovely color he coveted, piling up in lifeless piles, gave him a secret thrill. If only he weren’t next under the cape….

Herb kept chopping with the shears, removing the hair off one ear and then the other.

"You’ll leave here looking better, and HEARING better," the geezer joked.

Kevin imagined Herb said the same corny thing every time a longhair was shorn of his flow.

"Neck itching for some relief too?" Herb asked. "Help is on the way!"

SNIP, SNIP, SNIP, SNIP, SNIP!

The mighty flow in back fell to the floor clump by clump by clump by clump by clump!

A veritable throw rug of glistening clumps of cut hair quickly formed around the barber's clunky orthopedic shoes.

Kevin was not able to suppress a triumphant form of giggle.

"Don’t forget, you’re next, Buddy!" Bob smirked.

"Just nervous laughter, I guess," Luke muttered.

But it wasn’t caused by nervousness -- it was seeing how awful his friend’s hair was looking, butchered the way it had been. At that point, Luke was DEFINITELY the prettier of the pair. He had always harbored resentment about being second fiddle in the hair department.

"What are we doing on the sides, Bob? Skin or a bit of length?" Herb asked.

"Break him in easy," Bob said, feeling a bit of sympathy for Kevin since he’d volunteered to go first. "A #2? That shouldn’t scare him too much."

Kevin felt like a small child with Bob, the father-figure, being asked about and then making a decision on the length his hair was to be cut. He was being infantilized!

Once Kevin’s fate had been decided, Bob stirred with excitement imaging Luke’s new look. Oh, did Bob ever have a different treatment in store for him! Raven-haired Luke would soon be quaking under the cape and hearing his fate: lather-shaved sides and a horseshoe!

Bob crossed his legs to contain his excitement! He pictured Luke’s brutal shoe while he simultaneously watched Herb snap on the Oster’s and forcefully push Kevin’s head forward.

"Grip those arm rests tight, young man!" Herb quipped. "The real haircut is about to begin."

The hum of the Oster’s filled the barber shop! The first drive went tight up the back from nape to crown.

"I don’t have that sign, ‘Flattop Specialist’ on my wall as a mere decoration," Herb chuckled.

He kicked the mass of newly shorn locks about.

"Don’t want to trip," he laughed.

Then, he continued musing, "I’ve earned that title, flattop specialist. I cut hair in a marine base for 15 years before getting his place of my own and dealing with civvies. I’ve done every length and shape flattop imaginable."

"What’s your favorite?" Bob asked.

"Shoe!" Herb declared emphatically. "This fellow would look great shoed!"

More sheaves of hair fell in the wake of the Oster’s.

"Nope, not a shoe for Kevin. He’s getting a boxy, deep-pile flat today," Bob explained. "But, Nelly here...well, Nelly’s getting a shoe for sure!"

"No way!" snapped Luke instinctively.

"Shoes look great on fellows with thick, black hair, like yours," Jake offered as he finished collecting the fee from his departing construction worker client.

Then Jake pointed at Bob. "Okay, Bob, I’m ready for you. Let’s tighten that top of yours. Maybe today’s YOUR day for a shoe!"

Bob stood, smiled, and calmly said, "Maybe it is."

As he eased into the chair, Bob affirmed his decision, "Go ahead, Jake, shoe me."

The cape floated through the air.

Jake smirked, "Nelly there will see what’s in store for him!"

Luke hopped to his feet.

"That does it!" he stammered. "I’m out of here!"

"Luke, wait!" Kevin called helplessly from the chair. "You can’t do that. I’m halfway to a flattop and you’re walking out on our deal? I’ll look like a marine and still be out on the street if you bolt!"

"Sorry, Kev," Luke stammered, halfway out the door. "You’re going to pee in your pants when you see what that butcher’s done to your heavenly hair!"

"Who me?" laughed Herb. "A butcher?"

Then, he grabbed a huge mass of Kevin’s cut honey-golden hair on the cape and held it up, grinning ear-to-ear.

"Heavenly hair? Haven’t heard that before in my barbershop. Hair is something that needs to be clipped off, swept up, and thrown away," Herb laughed, tossing the shorn locks he was holding to the floor.

Herb gave Kevin’s shoulder a bit of a comforting pat before resuming the haircut.

"Don’t worry, Kevin. If Luke weasels out on you and doesn’t return, I’ll make things right. I suppose I shouldn’t have goaded him so much. My bad," Bob commented, feeling sorry for Kevin.

After Luke’s dramatic exit, the shop fell into a strained silence. Just the sound of humming clippers.

- Bob was thinking how he could make things right for Kevin,

- Herb was concentrating on taking Kevin’s top down perfectly level,

- Jake was contemplating just how short of a shoe he was going to give Bob, and,

- Kevin was feeling perfectly miserable staring at the mounds of his cut hair on the cape.

Jake was all over Bob’s top, mowing away most of it. Bob’s eyes were wide as saucers as he saw how much was coming off.

"Hey, uh, is anything going to be left up there?" Bob asked nervously.

"Not much, heh, heh," Jake laughed.

He grabbed the Bob’s head and directed it into an extremely low bow, just where he wanted it. With Oster’s in hand, Jake was king and his client was the lowliest peon!

"Boxy on top for the boy?" Herb called over, just to make sure.

Kevin resented being referred to as ‘the boy’.

"Yep. I know that means he’ll need a little butch wax to keep it in place, so fine and silky the way his hair is," Bob remarked.

"Butch wax?" Kevin stammered.

"Relax kid, you’ll love it," was Herb’s dismissive reply. "I’m almost finished with you. Time for the big reveal."

After a bit of rubbing in the butch wax and fashioning the strands into perfect erections, the haircut ended.

Herb whisked away snippets, giving elaborate dusting sessions around both ears.

"Don’t know why you wanted to keep that fine pair of ears hidden," Herb remarked casually as he swiveled the chair around.

Kevin was speechless.

The flattop was WAY worse than he imagined it. He felt nauseous and full of regret. And ANGER at Luke! That little bastard had bailed on him!!

His knees buckled slightly and his legs wobbled perilously as he climbed out of the chair.

"Look at all that hair!" Herb exclaimed. "Hope lifting the dustpan doesn’t throw my back out of whack! Ha, ha."

More cornball humor...and at his expense, Kevin fumed inwardly.

"Well? What do you think?" Bob asked.

Kevin ambled over to inspect the shoe.

"I think you have almost no hair left, except for your pushbroom mustache," he deadpanned.

"I meant about YOUR new look, not mine!" Bob snapped, a bit irritated.

Then, he addressed his barber, "Uh, you left me some hair on top, Jake!"

"Very little. Almost imperceptible, really," Jake answered, confirming Bob’s fears.

"I have a plan for you, Kevin. Don’t worry. About the housing. You’ll come out even better! I’ll explain in the car, if Jake here would ever stop cutting and let me out of this chair!" Bob exclaimed.

"There’s nothing left to cut, friend!" Jake laughed. "It’s all gone! Cueball!"

"You’re kidding!" Bob ranted.

"So, I am," Jake confessed as he swiveled the chair around.

Bob beamed. The shoe was PERFECT!

"If you catch Nelly and drag him in here, PLEASE let me shoe him," Jake begged.

"Deal!" Bob said.

As they left the Portside Barbershop, Bob revealed his plan for Jake.

"It occurred to me that I have a spacious two-bedroom that overlooks the pool. The guest room has NEVER been used. I guess no one wants to visit me," Bob remarked. "I’m offering it to you, Kevin. FREE! No strings attached."

"Really?" Kevin stammered. "Free? No flattop requirement either?"

"Nope, you’re a nice guy. And the way Luke treated you….that was disgraceful," Bob said.

"Let’s toss all his stuff out on the sidewalk!" Kevin said gleefully, imaging his sweet revenge. "I'll leave his huge hair dryer on top of the pile. And he can have mine, as well! You know, I’m going to stay flat, Bob. Just like you. Grow a pushbroom too!"

"That’s great, Kev!" Bob beamed.

"So, if we’re to be apartment mates, I should know your full name. Robert what?" Kevin asked.

"Hogan. Bob Hogan," Colonel said with a big smile on his face.

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